Happy Days: Aarvik's Days

Nov 3, 2017: Aarvik was born after 37 weeks and 6 days of our pregnancy.

Dec 9, 2020: Aarvik is 37 months and 6 days into his journey of this life.

Happy born day and the days thereafter Aarvik. You are always loved <3

It’s wonderful to realize how time flew from days to weeks to months and years. And it’s been a wonderful journey with Aarvik. As parents both me and Ankit get excited all the times, while also getting tired, overwhelmed and annoyed at some other times. The journey has been so full of emotions and every other new thing. This is phenomenal. Just yesterday he found some chocolate from my bag and suddenly said “C for CHOCOLATE” as he wanted to have one. We were like “Wait! What?” and smiled over. There are such random, unexpected while amazing moments that keeps happening around always and I wholeheartedly wish if we could capture everything that Aarvik does with a 24 hours video surveillance wherever we are. These uncountable moments where he would do something new, say something cuter and leave us smiling and I wish duh! It should have been captured-just to relive these moments again later.

Life is certainly more beautiful with his presence, with his childness, with his contagious happiness 😊! But there are also times when I would be like okay it’s enough! Mostly at times when I am working on something and he would need me continuously. It’s a different kind of struggle between the need of the baby and my own needs. (He waited for me till past 11 PM even yesterday and did not sleep until I got with him in bed). These are the reminders to myself that such happenings are gonna go long and I have to manage my life and time within these.

On a side note, his birth and the time thereafter reminds me of the relationships that have grown around me. Looking back at my life with Aarvik, makes me feel different. As different things changed in between. My thoughts changed, my worldview changed and also changed the people around me. My faith and belief on certain people kept on strengthening some more, while on some kept loosening. It was interesting for me as well to see my thought scenario changing. There are people and relations that has strengthened over time in these 37 months 6 days + 37 weeks 6 days, while others have just faded. And I am left with no energy to keep up with everything. This is one of those realizations. Flow with the flow. Care less. Love more- to whom it matters.

Metta!

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I am justifying THIS again!

Do you still need to be shouting out so loud that your head hurts?

Some days I feel, why do I even need to make a point? Why do I just not listen to people and shut myself up (as I have done many many times)? Why do I just need to reform "society" that will refer to me as a paagal who just makes some bullshit comments.

The point here is about Dhog diye and darshan . Dhog diye (where I bow my head) to my elders in that part of the world where I come from i.e; Far-Western Nepal is a common wishing practice. I realize my spouse and I am these days refereed to with the later form of wishing darshan. I am asked "what is the problem in there?" "Isn't it the common form of salutation you are given to "in your place"?" Mind it here "my place" is referred to be Chitwan which is where my spouse belongs to. A very "small" actually "tiny" thing or that thing that doesn't even exist is the one I am referring to here.  

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I feel tired writing about my story here. I am just tired that certain useless thing keep existing and I am there trying to justify myself in LOUD voices.

I am literally TIRED JUSTIFYING MYSELF ALL THE TIMES!

Metta!

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Today !

And on this day i.e. TODAY, I am fighting over being taken to be what I am—and not what I could be because of my affiliation with my spouse. And I have to cry this out loud, make everyone understand that I have my own identity like anyone else. And I try hard to make everyone understand this thing! Yet I fail, I fail badly. 

Let me remind you, TODAY is that historic day when a women is elected Vice President of United States of America. And every woman feels POWERFUL for the day. I, for some reason feel tired and weary after having cried my lungs out, yet failed to make people understand.

The DAY as such !

Metta!

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Societal norms!

Isn't it interesting that your "economic/(societal) status" is known/measured with the thickness of the "gold" chain you wear.

Think :-)! It is so well measured!!

Metta!

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Sonder!

Isn't it interesting to know/feel what you might be thinking right now is just a common thought scenario as anyone your age/ background/ social structure/ exposure/ vulnerability/ race/ gender/ ethnicity/ place...... would have done/ be doing? Hundreds of people like you have thought the way you did and hundreds of them are doing so right now. Also Hundreds of them will be doing sometime in future too. 

What a Sonderous moment to realize this!!

From: The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows

Metta!

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Unlearning, easy or tough?

 Not exactly this or that but yeah I guess am able to vocalize my thoughts properly.

"Vocalize" properly! Ehh! Sounds vague right! I was reading myself back from 10 years and there I know what a confused soul I was (I might still be). But I say things pretty clearly now. Does it lessen the arc of my confused being? Well! I am practicing it. Trying to unlearn few of the things. 

But it was not only my fault for being what I was or I am, it's the years of nurturing I got and the thoughts that have been kept feeding into me in different situations of my life. To keep fighting with so many different thoughts and beings while remaining whatever ME was left in it has been a tough job. I would be making that extra effort to make people believe in me that I have the caliber to do things on my own. Isn't that tough? To be fighting with the societal norms while also keeping up with it and still existing. While I try to get out of the past and move on with my present, I realize every time -It's so difficult to UNLEARN. So very difficult. The way you have grown up and the thoughts that keep haunting you because that was how you grew and that was how you kept on being nurtured and how that is what remains in most part of your brains. That's why even knowing that it's not someone else's fault- you blame them, or get anxious or shout, or something like that!

I have been trying to UNLEARN and it has never been easy! It's indeed tough. Very tough! Yet I will keep unlearning those that needs to be unlearnt!

Metta!

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Here now!

Some days am pretty enthusiastic (period) and some other days I feel like I am in a new shit! I get into this notion quite often “man! this can be done and that” and then when nothing is done am like, nothing’s gonna happen like this for sure. It’s some pretty pity stage some days and some other days, it doesn’t matter at all.

I doubt on my expressions some days! This passing thought pauses me around. And I wish! I wish good things to come to me and us and everyone.

Metta !

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Thoughts on a Monday!

Maybe some days you just want to be heard and or have a talk. A talk that you thing is so important that it would change the world for you. Or just pave the path to changing the world or just make you think “oh! An interesting way of thinking” or just something that’s a lot worth to you. And you want to have deep conversations about it. And you expect others to listen to you the same way. And if you don’t find the same kind of enthusiasm from others that makes you frustrated or you are just so tired that all you can show off is frustration and that’s it.

Maybe I have been spoilt being around some of those my people who listened to me, who did think I made sense and who gave me insights on my thoughts. And I guess I miss that! 

I miss that a lot. 

Metta!!

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जीवन, कथाबाट कथासम्म

जीवन,

कथाबाट कथासम्म। 

भन्नु धेरै भन्न नसकिने धेरै 

सोच धेरै सपना धेरै 

इनिहरु कै बिचमा बाँच्दै गर्दा को जीवन 

कथाबाट कथासम्म 

हिजो मात्रै थियो सबै जना मिलि हासी खुसि समय बिताएको , अनि आज वहाँ हुनु हुदैन।  सपना जस्तै बिलिन हुनु भयो।  बाकि छ त केवल कथा हरु।  ति धेरै कथा हरु मध्येको एउटा कथा म सानो हुँदाको -

६/७ वर्ष कि थिए हुला म आमा बिरामी भएको हुँदा। त्यो कमुलो मनमा खै कहाँबाट यस्तो आएछ कि आमालाई केहि भए म नि बाच्ने छैन यो संसारमा। आमा बिना केहि छैन यो जीवनमा।  बस् वहाँ हुनु पर्यो अथवा जीवन केहि छैन।  वहालाई सन्चो भयो अनि जीवन पहिले जसरि बढ्दै गयो।  विभिन्न आरोह अवरोह र थप कथाहरु।  यिनी कथाहरु बुन्दा बुन्दै सकियो हाम्रो हजुरआमा को कथा। यो पालि त्यो सानी कन्चनले सोचेको जस्तो यो ठुली कन्चन जान सकिन वहाँ संग, न जान सकी वहाँको छेउमा नै। 

45 days of her departure. Of many things there came a time when we wished she got better and not suffer. And that was the time for the first time in life I realized that in life there comes a time when "not suffer" means "not live" i.e. "leave the life". Such a weird feeling. Such a weird experience. And from far all I could do was look at things helplessly. Cry out aloud or in silence. Only to find my sisters and mom comforting from far. Letting me be there. Be in the last rituals. Ankit giving me that space of mine and comforting and Aarvik crying with me. Times were sad. Times are sad. But we live. That was that. अनि यो कथा सकियो।  र पछाडी छोडी दियो बाकि कथा। अनि नया कथा बुन्ने साहस र धैर्यता।

जीवन,

यो कथाबाट त्यो कथासम्म

#Metta !

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Today !

 Not very new says. Not much fancy stories. Just some tiredness and a mind full of thoughts.

Metta!

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Of (lack of) motivations and healthy life (to be continued)!

I (mostly) think I should adapt to healthy body options for a healthy lifestyle or vice versa. (Do I need to make sense here? Or be politically correct? Or anything? Maybe!! Maybe not!! Bleh!!) But somewhere the enthusiasm looses and I am left with body aches and I can’t even walk properly. Just wondering is it because I have gained a lot of weight (I was 78 kg a month back, I should have gained more as I have no control over eating + FYI I have not shed any weight post pregnancy. Or maybe I haven’t ATTEMPTED enough to loose any WEIGHT!) or is an indication of a very unhealthy lifestyle. Am I not knowing even though “I feel” I know, or is something missing in between? I have to figure out. And I hope I ACT while figuring OUT.

Noting these thoughts down so that I am more accountable. Or I wish I be more accountable. For its always known “A healthy life is a must.” Yet so less done 😓!

#MotivationMantra @2:04 AM Pacific time!

Metta!

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13 days!

Aama’s 13th day and maybe I am just too full of emotions. It’s been hard to juggle with thoughts. Maybe I should have let the thoughts rest. They needed a break! A long long break. And it would have helped me to not make any view or any say or anything !! Just been a lot to handle!!

Metta!!

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Meditations of life!

This week was mostly about knowing my meditations. It was amazing to realise things as meditations.

Working in laboratory 

Recently I started working in the Seed lab. The first day I cut the seeds as such that it’s cut just above the embryo, so that it gives results via tetrazolium test. A decade back, working in lab was a course requirement or a chore that had to be done.  Some days fun place to be with friends. Some days frustrating to handle in exams. This time I felt it was meditative. That concentration just to do things the right way. The lab environment: rustling of glasses, people whispering, talks about tests/results and focus. All focus on your work. What a meditative way of doing things !!

Cooking

The time and dedication and working on details from chopping to cooking. How I long for perfectionism while cooking! And how I tell A that this thing has to be like this or that, using mustard oil or vegetable oil or butter, not using “methi” instead of “jeera” and vice versa, chop a certain way, fry till certain time, and thus finish cooking like साधना । Such a processed meditative practice that gives eternal joy.

Gardening 

I have loved gardening since my childhood where I would like to play with mud, drench it with water and play around with plants. It has given me a joyful childhood and I have loved having plants since throughout. So here in Corvallis when we started gardening again and now as we harvest the bearing fruits and flowers, I look back at the journey And how meditative it had been.

Reading/Writing

Needles to say about these two branches which is as therapeutic and as meditative as it could be. I think my marathon writing is just being a part of it today. So pleasurable that not even I feel like sleeping at 6 AM this morning.

With age maybe I have been better at creating jargon :-) or I have just known to express what I feel. More to know! More to feel. More to say!

Until then!!

Metta!

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"She" my friend- (My everything)!!

Isn't it weird that some days I fear what if something happens to me and I would not have expressed (adequately) what you mean to me? I would not have expressed my feelings enough. And puff I go!!

I fear dear. I fear bad! 

Know that, I have always loved you the most. I have always tried the best whatever I can do in all possible ways. Just that I have not known enough of doing things. That I didn't know how things work. I didn't know how I could make it work. They never listened to me. And things were never in my hands. And I regret it every time. I know that have caused you pain. And the easiest of thing just got harder for you, because I couldn't do anything and they didn't listen to me. They didn't even listen to me when I pleaded them for a scholarship, and they didn't write it for me. They never did. And I was devoid of those opportunities. They never listened to me. (I wonder how I survived that)! They always created jargon to complicate things for me. They devoid me of so many things and I could just sulk. They didn't even let me allow my friend's ease. And I sulked more. And all I can feel is pain. Write in pain, shed a few drops and bid a bye to this page of life not to turn it over again.

Just that, I am/will be there for you. Always and forever. I just wish I could open my heart or cry this out at my loudest. I wish I could have said it the loudest then. I wish I wouldn't have let the pain enter in you because of me. I wish!

You are a precious jewel of my life. A sacred one. I wish all the happiness for you my friend. Always and forever!

Love!

Metta!!

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Incomplete verses !

Day 6 ends. Day 7 starts

Its 00:53 AM

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Like always there’s swarm of thoughts inside. I actually don’t know if I want to express it or not. But right now am forcing myself too. Maybe it will just liberate me is what I feel. 

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I want to let everyone know about Aama. Both Aama and Buwa have been so imbibed in my surrounding being that I have not seen them as separate someone and maybe I have not talked enough about them or maybe that habit of mine of not talking about my personal life much apart from my core circle has inhibited the talks.

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Thoughts are running in bits and pieces around me. I miss Aama. I am sleepless. I am finding peace in podcasts (mostly religious) and bhajans. During my pregnancy I used to be sleepless and the Sadhguru podcasts were my sleep helper. I listened to sadhguru a good good deal and I seem to be done with Sadhguru for some more years from then I guess. Right now “Achutyam Keshavam Krishna Damodaram” is my favorite bhajan for a few days. I like the lines and the music.

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I love you Aama. And I miss you. In every bhajan I listen to I hear your dedication of trying learning new verses or chanting with all that music. Your zeal for everything and your being as a whole. We have been blessed to have you in our lives. 

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There’s so much more about you. An incomplete verse, I close herein.

(It’s 1: 18 AM)

Metta!

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Aama (Where are you?)

Like Aarvik asks “Where are you?” And we repeat, “here I am, here I am. How do you do?” I wish Aama said the same and just came therein. But even after having called her for the umpteenth time, she didn’t respond. Not even on the fourth day.

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There’s a vacuum inside me. My mind seems numb. I am sleepless. It’s already 6 AM and my eyes are wide open. In days when my status is vacuum, my mind rambles. For today, it is just numb. I have been trying hard distracting my mind, but nothing seems helping. Nothing at all. Suddenly I feel like crying or suddenly I feel exhausted as it gets unbearable. I can’t express this exhaustion. It comes through so many emotions. 

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I sang the adieu song to her that night. And I could do nothing new. I love you Aama. And I have loved you always. And I had felt we will meet again. Alas! We couldn’t. 

Until we meet again.

Metta!!

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Of the worldly affairs!

Everyone around me is kind of hypocrite and I detest this feeling that I can't even express that "hey! you are the number one hypocrite and are the one romanticizing your hypocrisy." Duh!! I detest this feeling. I do yet I just jot them down, frown over it, sulk and get going. Maybe this is how life goes.

Metta!

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That feeling called numbness!

Nothing more than numb I feel at the moment.

Peace I want.

Metta!

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The approached time!

The fears exist for a long time before they approach. And when they approach, *puff* the emotions evade themselves. They know how to be stronger each time. And they have grown stronger with time. They are resilient as a part of me. Some days I wonder who got better with time-THEM or ME or US !

Metta!

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The fear of unknown!

How often do you fear? Fear even to ask!

Metta!!

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Dandelions and Running Thoughts !

Trying to make writing a routine, yet not sure-how long? More motivations needed !!

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Felt like writing about parenthood, this is one of the topics I have wanted to write yet not been able to write. I don't know why, but something or the other things keeps coming as a hindrance. Most importantly me. I have been a slug in writing and reading. And I don't like this "me" who puts off everything.

Being a parent-a mother, has been a wonderful experience at many times and a door-lock for someone like me who dreams a lot at many other times. I cannot express this to be honest. I don't understand if I became mother because I so wanted to be a mother (like many people say, that they tried for motherhood so bad and how not being able to have conceived frustrated them) or it was part of the system and I wanted to overtake into this journey. I can't say it properly. Deep down I understand and tend to think I dread to accept that. Acceptance is so hard. A loving kid makes the journey just so wonderful that is for sure. And I cannot be less thankful for this any day. But maybe that I have taken so many burden on my shoulder that I am already tired. Tired! Mentally!! Physically!! And I really want to come out of this tiredness. I am trying hard but literally I don't know how to. And I am so demotivated that I don't even have the motivation of trying it. And this comes as so heavy at times, I can't move my hands writing it.

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I want to go back to my childhood where everything was so happy with no any shadow of any other kind of pains or uncertainties or anything. I wish I had nothing to think of and just things to merry! I want the bright white dandelions flying around the blue sky and I wish I were running towards them happily with no any heavy feelings.

Let peace come to life!

Metta!
Image: Dandelion

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Writing is therapeutic. Right?

So here starts the journey of writing, writing again. A and I have agreed to write. Write something each day? Maybe for at least an hour or lesser, but we will write. For how long don't know yet, but I feel we will write something. Writing in itself gives me life, makes me liberated, and makes me feel good. The other day my counselor was asking me, what do you do for self care? I said I listen to music, dance, move around...I forgot to say I write, why? Because I am not writing as much as I would otherwise. Writing mostly is therapeutic for me. It acts as a soothing balance. But still I have been skipping writing. Ask me why? and I won't be able to tell. If we keep writing something each day, maybe I would be able to tell some more. After I would finish this maybe I would be able to tell some more too. But yeah! one thing for sure is writing is such a wonderful feeling. Makes the heart go glee. It's a 1 hour for us to write and the fondfulness has already grown, hands don't stop and I am keeping typing. I can hear A typing too (he should be feeling good too? Maybe? Maybe not? We will know in a while :-))!

I like using a picture when I write something. A picture adds some feel in the write, it's a pretty distraction too I agree. Because when I started searching for a picture for this blog, I used up some moments of my writing- though I found a beautiful picture :-)! A girl sitting in the jungle, by the side of the river and writing. How good is the feeling? How so good? I can't tell. Such a pure feeling. Even the thought makes me so happy. Nature is such a good feeling. These are the things of self care right?

Writing is therapeutic...right? :-)

I found a good quote by Oscar Wilde on self-care "to love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance." So rightly said. So nicely said. Many times when we care for whole the world (which we think we do) we forget loving ourselves some more each day. And we need loving ourselves the most each day. Maybe someone telling us they love us, care for us-will make us feel good and loved (it mostly does). Why is there then a dearth of love for ourselves? Why we fear loving ourselves some more? And doing all the good we can do to ourselves?  Why do we step a bit back when it comes to us? Why self-care, self-love is hard even though we never get tired of telling, hey you-I love you. Why can't we take the same approach for ourselves and tell ourselves," hey me! I love you. I love you so much that my life would be nothing without you." This would have given such a nice feeling and helped us grow some more too right?

Dear me,

Please love yourself a bit more. Some more from today.

Yours,
Me

Metta!!
Image: Theodora Goss

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Days !!

Classes are running in this "global pandemic" and I am a #GraduateMom... Oh ! Hel(p)lo!

I seek peace!

Metta!!

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Everything is surreal!

Some days I suddenly realize that when things were not happening good to me, one after the other kept creating havoc in my life. And I was so lonely then. And those people were cruel. I want none of that and them back in my life.

Metta !

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Chapters of life!

Have you closed chapters in life?

(I smiled as I am writing this). Here to one more closings. Closing the past that at times when comes near me keeps me thinking back and makes me wonder. Oh well! maybe all the chapters of life are not very friendly and not to be keep opening back. To one more of those!

Metta!

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For peace

She asked me why did I think the way I do.

I was dumbfounded. Seriously!!

Metta !!

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Peace for this year !

Things were not that easy, and things aren't easy either. I see darkness at times and it's tough to move over. I hope January just gives happiness and the dark clouds flee by.

Metta!

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