That feeling!!

Wait! I can die off any moment. #ThatFeeling !!

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D-Day!!

The day when decisions are made. Either in our favor or against our favor. Or may be somewhere in between. I will remember 2015 for so many reasons and 31st December, 2015 for so many more reasons. 

Right Now: I am having such a cramp kind of feeling in my stomach, that adrenaline rush and so many more of feelings roll (I just made the spelling mistake, 'roll' as 'role', you can just feel my anxiety *_*) around by. Jeez!!

And only One name in mind and heart and kidney and blah blah (I am in dire need of words to get better). Such things happen!! My my-- Life.

Happy New Year Folks :-) I hope I will have great news to follow this coming year.

Metta I seek!!

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Equations!

Every equation failed. when love happened.

Metta I seek!!

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Love and Prayers!

I am full of feelings and feelings doesn't seem ending. Wish you a very Happy Married Life.

Love and Prayers :-)

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Don't judge !

If a favor could be done to me, I wish I am not judged. Not by my words, not by my responses, not by my presence, not by my walks, not even by my talks, not by what I wear, not by who I talk to, not this, not even that. I don't like judgements neither I like to be judged.

Metta !!
In peace we live.

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Selfie(of words)!

May be that was not even important. May be that was not even to be said. But still you lie there somewhere in between just to make believe that it existed. The existence was there for the 'false beliefs', 'unwanted thoughts' and 'not so happening beings'. 

Still it existed as the unwanted wreckwrath (only if a word like this existed). Oh! btw I love formulating new words of  my own and define it by myself.

Life be good. Prayers and wishes!

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मनौरो (भाग-२)!

भाग-१: मनौरो 

…समयको सार्है पाबन्द थियो समीर। सदाझैँ मधुर मुस्कानका साथ समय अगावै नै आइ पुग्यो ऊ काजल  बसेको छेउमा नै । समीरलाई परबाट देख्दै गर्दा नै काजलको हृदय एक चोटी फेरी ढुक्क गर्यो। यो हजारौ पटक थियो होला उस्को हृदयले आफ्नो गति छोडेको। सोचि ऊसले मनमनै माया गर्नुको नि हद हुदों हो कसैलाई। सोची दुनिया माया-माया भनि यत्तिकै पागल हुँदैन रहेछ ।  मनमा यी कुरा सोची रहँदा समिरको आवाज उसको कानमा गुञ्जियो "के खाने सिम्रिका? अर्डर गरि हालम न।"  उसलाई केहि खाने मन नि थिएन। समीरले  मेनु हेर्दै भन्यो,"कफी, म:म, अनि फ्रेन्च फ़्राइज। ठिक छ है?" काजल मुस्काई। वेटरलाई बोलाइ झट्ट अडर गर्यो ऊसले।

यहिँबिच समीरलाई नियाली राखेकी थिइ काजल। उस्ले आभास गरेकी थिइ एउटा अजीब हड्बडमा हुन्थ्यो समीर जहिले नि। छिटै भ्याउनु पर्ने हुन्थ्यो ऊलाई हरेक थोक। काजल विपरित थिइ यस्को। एकदमै आरामसंग बितोस् हरेक कुरो भने जस्तो।

"के छ समीर ??" सिधा प्रश्न गरि काजलले।

"ए अँ! साँची म लास्ट विक पेरिसबाट आएको नि सिम्रिका। इट वज सच अ वन्डरफुल ट्रिप, आइ विल नेवर फर्गेट। सि दिज पिक्चर्स। आरन्ट दे बिउटिफ़ुल?" यति भन्दै समीर फोटोहरु देखाउन थाल्यो। हेरी काजलले खुसि हुदैं र तारिफ नि गरि ति चित्रको। राम्रै खिच्थ्यो समीरले फोटोहरु नि। मस्तमौलापन मन नि पर्थ्यो ऊसलाई समीरको। कसैलाई बाँधेर राख्ने कुरामा ऊ अलि नि विश्वास राख्दिन थिइ। प्रेम त झन् स्वछन्द हुन्छ भन्ने नै सोच थियो उस्को। आकशमा चरा जसरि जहाँ जता उडे नि अन्तत: आफ्नो घर नै आउंछ भन्ने पूर्ण विश्वाश थियो काजललाई। प्रेममा हुने भनेको नै तेही हो भन्ने सोच थियो उस्को । ऊ आफ्नो प्रेमलाई स्वतन्त्र छोडी दिन चांहदथि। यो सबै उस्को मनमा खेली रहँदा समिर कसैको म्यासेज फर्काउनमा व्यस्त थियो। छिन छिन्मा उस्को हात मोबाइलमा नै पुग्दथ्यो। एक चोटि ऊसले आफ्नो छेवैमा भएको काजललाई राम्रोसँग हेरेको नि थिएन। कस्ती छे ऊ भन्ने त झन् समीरलाई वास्ता नै भएन।

केहि छिनमा समीरको फोन बज्न थाल्यो। "एक्स्क्युज मि" भनेर समीरले काजल तिर हेर्यो र "हेलो" भन्दै अलि पर निस्कियो। म:म आयो, फ्रेन्च फ़्राइज आयो तर त्यो बिचमा समीर आएन। कफी सेलाउन लागी सकेपछी बल्ल समीर "सरि है सिमृका" भन्दै आयो। "अफिसमा यती धेरै काम छ कि के भनम। एक छिन फुर्सद हुँदैन। अरु बेला घरबाट फुर्सद हुँदैन। मैले तिमीलाई समय दिन नसकेकोमा मलाई बडो खेद छ।" आफ्नो अफिसको प्रोग्रेस सुनाए जस्तो गरी समिरले एकै साँसमा भन्यो सबै कुरा। काजल केहि बोलिन, केवल मुस्काई। केहि कुरो देखेर, महसुस गरेर नि वास्ता नगर्नुको स्थिति देखि आजित भै सकेकि थिइ सायद ऊ। बढि बोल्ने मन नै लागेन उस्लाई। हुनपनि समीरले काजललाई जति मानसिक यातना दिन सक्थ्यो त्यो दिनमा कुनै कमि नै राखेको थिएन अहिलेसम्म। प्रेम गरेको नाटकदेखि लिएर, भेट्नसम्म आनाकानी गरेको सबै कथा काजलको आखाँ अगाडि नाच्दै थिए।

"टिंग टिंग" वातावरणको सुन्यतालाई भंग गर्दै समीरको हातमा रहेको स्याम्संग मोबाइलमा म्यासेज आएको रिंगटन फेरी बज्यो। ऊ फेरि म्यासेज लेख्नमा व्यस्त भयो। काजललाई आफु त्यहाँनिर कुनै जोकर भएको भान भइ राखेको थियो। असम्मान गर्नुको नि हद हुँदो हो र आजसम्म पार गरेको हदका साथ समीरले त्यो हद नि पार गर्यो।

एकछिन यत्तिकै बसेर समीरलाई नियाले पछि सोधि उसले "केहि अरु खान्छौ तिमी??" समीरले नाइँ भनि मुन्टो हल्लायो र फेरी मोबाइलमा म्यासेज थिच्न व्यस्त भयो। मौनताले फेरी ओढ्यो त्यहाँको माहौललाई।

केहि छिनपछि मौनतालाई चिर्दै एउटा सानो तिखो आवाज गुञ्जियो त्यहाँ "थ्याङ्क यु फर यर टाइम समीर। इट वज ग्रेट नोइंग यु। वि वोण्ट मिट अगेन।"भन्दै जुरुक्क कुर्सिबाट उठिछे काजल। समीरले केही भन्नु बुझ्नु अघि नै रिसेप्सननिर पुगेर वेटरलाई १००० रुपिया थमाई "भाई टिप तपाईं राख्नुस् है" भन्दै होटल बाहिर निस्किछे ऊ। यो दिन-दिनैको अत्यास लाग्दो चक्रबाट निस्किंदा निकै हल्का महसुस भयो काजललाई जस्तै कि कुनै ठुलै भारि कहिँ बिसाएर आइछे ऊ। अनि त्यो घाटीमा सर्प जस्तै बेरेको,समीरले दिएको शल बाटो छेउमा हुर्र्याई ति उडि राखेका चराहरुसंगै आफ्नो गुंडतिर लम्किछे ऊ पनि।

इति !!

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Vanish!

I try hard not to vanish away.
*Puff*
And I will be gone.

Metta!

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मनौरो !

"सिग्रेट छोड्दा नि त्यो सिग्रेटको माया लाको होला हैं तिमीलाई, तर मबाट टाढा हुदाँ मेरो अलि नि माया लागेन नि?," भन्दै जोरसँग फोनमा कराइछे ऊ।  समिरसँग बोल्ने नि मन थिएन ऊसलाई तर सहनको नि सीमा हुदों हो शायद। अनि आज त्यो बाँध फुटेको थियो।

"सिम्रिका" हो यहि नाम दिएको थियो समिरले काजललाई र ऊ पनि यो नाम पाई मक्ख परेकि थिई। थाहा थिएन नि दुनियाको नियम ऊसलाई।  आफु जस्तै सरस-सलिल जो सोच्दथि सबैलाई। समिर पनि आफ्नो नाम सरि नै थियो, उडेर जान आतुर। तर समीरको उडानले काजलका खुला पखेटाहरुलाई काटिदिएको थियो र ऊस्लाई यस्को हेक्का नि थिएन। हेक्का ऊ लिन नै चाहदैन थियो खासमा। ऊ उन्मुक्त हुन चाहन्थ्यो, उन्मुक्तताको सिमा नै थिएन उस्को जीवनमा । मनुष्य स्वार्थि हुञ्छ, हो यो ध्रुव सत्य हो! तर स्वार्थको नि सिमा हुदों हो सायद तर समीरको जीवनमा यो नि लागु हुदैन थियो। काजल सोच्दथी बेर-बेरमा त्यस्तो निस्ठुरी त होइन होला समिर, तर समिरको बारेमा रहेको हरेक सोच नै गलत ठहरिदैं आई रहेको थियो उस्को अहिलेसम्म  ।

पढ्ने निकै शौक थियो काजललाई । पढेकी थिइ उसले वियोगान्त कथाहरु जुन् पढ्दै गर्दा उसलाई निकै हाँसो उठ्थ्यो। तर जीवन भनेको त ठ्याक्क त्यो फिक्सनल कथा जस्तै पो हुदो रहेछ त, सम्झी-सम्झी उस्लाई रुन आईरहेको थियो अचेल। मुड छिन् छिन्मा परिवर्तन भै रहन्थ्यो उस्को आजकाल। खाने मन झन् बढि लाग्ने , कुरा गर्दा-गर्दै रिस उठि हाल्ने वा आँखा पिल-पिलाउने हुने भै रहन्थ्यो ।  बडो गाह्रो स्थिति थियो उस्को। आज सम्म थाहा पाएकी थिइन उस्ले त्यस्तो नि हुन्छ भनि, जीवनको नयाँ आयामहरु उस्को आँखा सामु प्रस्ट जो भै रहेका थिए।

सोच्दा सोच्दै दिउसोबाट साँझ परि सकेको रहेछ। "नानि खान आउ," आमाको पाँचौ पटकको पुकार थियो त्यो। जहिले ढिला नै खान जान्थी उ, तेही भएर खासै वास्ता भएको थिएन उस्को क्रियाकलाप घरमा कसैलाई। उ टुटेकि थिइ भन्ने त कसैले कल्पना नै गर्न सक्दैनथ्यो, यति प्रखर र कडा छाप थियो उस्को घरमा।  तर सायद अब यो  मुखौटा पहिरिन सक्ने स्थितिमा थिइन ऊ।  ऊ आजित भै सकेकी थिइ आफै संग।  बेर बेरमा भागेर कुनै पहाडको कुनामा जाउ जस्तो लाग्दथ्यो ऊसलाई। तर यसरि समस्या संग भाग्ने बानि नि थिएन उस्को, तेही भएर आफुलाई रोकी राखेकी थिई उसले। कुन दिन यो बाँध फुट्ने छ र आफु भित्र रोकी राखेको भेल बग्ने छ भन्ने मात्र पिर थियो ऊसलाई। तेही भएर नि ऊ समिरलाई एक चोटि भेट्न चाह्न्थी, मनमा लागे जतिको सबै भडास समिरलाई नै सुनाएर आजित हुन चाहन्थी ऊ यो छट्पटीबाट।

मोबाइल निकालेर म्यासेज छोडी दिई समिरलाई ऊसले तेही भएर "म तिमीलाई भेट्न चाहन्छु समिर। भोलि भेटम न ५ बजे पाटनमा। "

"सरि सिम्रिका, म त अहिले काठमाडौँ बाहिर छु। फर्किए पछि कल गर्छु नि ल। अनि भेटम्ला।" म्यासेजको जवाफ तुरन्तै आयो। ठिक्क कुरो गर्ने बानि जो थियो समिरको सम्झि काजलले। भेट हुदा चाहिँ समिर नै बढि बोल्दथ्यो, देश/दुनिया/ ठाउँ सबैको बारे, तर म्यासेज चाहिँ काजलको हुन्थे लामा लामा। लेख्ने शौक भएर हो कि वा लेखेर बढी भन्न आऊँदथ्यो ऊसलाई ऐले सम्म टुंगो लगाउन सकेकि थिइन ऊसले।

तेस्पछिका कयौ दिन कुर्दै बिते।

*********************

आज चाँही समिरलाई  भेट्न बोलाएकी थिई ऊसले। (क्रमश:).......मनौरो (भाग-२)!

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P.S: It's PMS !

*PMSing*

It's tough and we really have hard times. 

<Mood swings bad>

<sulk in every other thing>

<very fragile>

<turns off quick>

They say it's premenstrual syndrome and can last until seven days after the start of menstruation. Till then we have hard times, sometimes very hard. Worst of it is you can end up with discussions and stuffs with anyone, when you don't even have any kind of proper reason.

It's tough for us. Very tough to go through all these emotional atyachaar, but well can't help.

<CURRENT MOOD>

What all I can say in these times is "Well blow me down! That's all I can stands, cuz I can't stands n'more!" 

Metta!
Image courtesy: NittyGrittyLove.Com

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Thought for the day!

Neither my birth was in my hands nor my death could be, and in between I am punished for that what not was/will never be in my hands. World is cruel or may be we who make rules and follow them as such are crueler.

Life is bizarre and everything in between!

Metta!

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Popping in thoughts !

May be a thought box is what you end up as. No ifs, No buts.

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Only if!

I live in a ruthless world. Very very ruthless it is. Neither it loves nor it returns the love back. I give back on me at times seeing this. At this moment I feel like may be life would have been better had I been born in the remotest part of the country. Had I had no access to the outside world. I would have been living a carefree happy life. I would not have had much aspirations, much dreams, much of thoughts. My life would have started at 5 AM in the morning and ended by 6 PM. I would just be thinking of the daily chores. Doing stuffs merrily. My merry-making would not have haunted from things to things. My wants would not have been much. My world view would not have been keeping highing up higher. My limits would be limited.

Only if!!

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The NAMOnclature!

Not a Namo fanatic but just a thought came up after so many endearing talks about Namo in my country. The way the blame-game keeps returning to India's court every now and then revolved the thoughts around the situation. Well India has been playing it's card well it seems when it comes to Nepal. But my write is not based on what India is thinking and doing (as I myself donot know much) and focuses more on Namo, so I stick to him. 

Talking about Namo, his arrival to Nepal in August last year and the high-esteemed speech in the parliament with big plans, stories and ideas had dragged people to some dreamland. May be we were just hopeful. Hopeful for the things which we supposed could have happened in our country in the absence of our own government's initiation over stuffs. May be we always knew India's influence over our government, how things happen at our place. We were badly thrashed by the endless transition phase, we were seeking hope in dark and when the PM of India spoke in the parliament it showed us hope and let us dream again. Dream for the better. His presence in the Parliament lifted our spirits. May be what we wanted to hear from our government, the hope the optimism we were looking from our Government had been well spoken up and addressed by the PM of India. He knew what we wanted. The South-Asian sentiments are almost the same I guess that is why we do not think much different from our Indian counterparts. 

When his speech started in the parliament Namo takes the example from "kashi viswanath" to "pashupatinath", he talks about Sita, Buddha and all gods. "Gods" for they touched the godly sentiments of the people. And we are yet not away from these godly sentiments. He portrayed us brave and the better ones for the sake of their country too. Telling us we are better in every way (more in the video: address in the Parliament, Nepal August, 2014)

Cartoon by Satish Aacharya

He addresses what we wanted to hear from our Government-our PM. The talks about the constitution and the plans and practices to be made further. Though in lighter tones in the speech Namo clearly dictates the strict detailings about how to make the constitution right manner. Howsoever, PM of India glorified us with more of hopes, gave flight to our feathers, HIT our dreams high.

********

Cartoon by Rajesh K.C (@phalano)

An year later in September, 2015 India HIT our dreams hard over the constitution which they asked us to *detail* out so much. HITting hard with blockading Nepal; his Government left us sad and disheartened. Along with the day to day troubles we are having we are also wryly HIT by the doings. Our belief was HIT harder. And the smashed pieces have been hurting us along with the smashed dreams mirroring the never ending day to day problems. 

NAMOnclature has figuratively helped to peak the Madhesh aandolan while our politicians are responsibility less. Even though with many turmoils HITting us hard, we look forward to peace.

Metta!

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Downpours and Snapshots!

3:10 PM

Adita was reading an e-paper when a desktop alert for an incoming mail stirred her attention. Quickly she swapped in through the mail and read it while she was taking her sip of coffee.

Adita,

Did you wish for the rain? or is it your inner thoughts that has come pouring down as rain? I don't know why, but today I feel the gloominess of your feels in the weather.

Sent from my iPhone

This was the message from Aaditya in her work email. "Aadi hardly send emails as such," she mumbled and that too in her office's email id, this was not him who she has known for years. That does mean he wanted her attention as of now. She had to answer the mail so without a second thought she composed.

Hey Aadi,

You know, I love rains! ⚡⚡ ☔

It was 3:26 when she hit the send button of the email. She had nothing to say much.

Shall we meet today?

Sent from my iPhone

Okay! 4:30 at Gothatar.

Okay!

Sent from my iPhone

The email conversations finished by 3:29 PM. Adita had some pending works, which she had to finish by 4 before she left for the visit. Rain was pouring more and more which kept on hovering her thoughts but she the workaholic was committed to finish her assigned tasks by 4 so got entangled in there.

4:00 PM

She was out of the office with the umbrella in her hand. Slowly she moved towards her destination, it was 25 minutes walk from her office. Bagmati was fluving in no time. She always gets mesmerised by the river, it's beauty, it's peace. She was almost lost in the river while her phone rang. "I am by the bridge," she could listen him smiling. It was 4:20 PM in her new shining black One Plus Two (OPT). She had fallen in love with her phone in no time.

"Aadi is overly punctual," a voice spoke at the back of her head while she took some snaps of Bagmati and moved on.

4:25 PM

She was nearby the bridge where Aadi was playing with his mobile. She didn't speak and watched him from some distance as he seemed so lost with his cell-phone. Adita was used to this scenario. She loved seeing Aaditya and let him be what he wanted to be. Rain splashed some more and Aaditya looked up from the screen.

"Hey! Adita," he came around her giving a hug.

"Shall we stay here for some more time Aadi," she said. He smiled.  

Both of them sat by the roadside bench which consisted of a roof protecting them from the rain. Aaditya was careful enough not to let Adita go in the rain as she just could not withstand soaking in the rain and getting herself sick, a past image of she running in the rain like a kid drew up in his mind.

"I want to try photographing some more. Do you really think it is worthful enough? Have you seen my recent pics?," Aaditya started at his own pace. Before Adita could answer he took his cell phone out and started showing some recent pics he took. "This I clicked from my window as it was raining sometime ago," Aadi showed the pigeons rejoicing in the downpour.

"And see this, the double rainbow--I just love it," he was in self-admiration mode.

"Wow! these are amazing. You should start instagramming and let a wider audience know about them," was her brief say. "Your iPhone will do the justice too," she smiled some more.

********

6:30 PM

Adita was having her coffee at home when suddenly her OPT blinked and showed the notification from Instagram "aadiA started following you"

#HeSheStories !
Pictures: @kanchanojha :-)!

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And You!

My primary focus was not you but your beings.

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Possessiveness!

Suddenly I realised my possessiveness had been increasing. It always has been directly proportional to love for me and that I can feel the more.

Metta I seek!!

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Distressed!

She tried everything, but nothing seems working. She's distressed!!

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Tears, You and Me !

When I think of you tears roll down my eyes..Ahh ! how well we are connected #BestFriends !

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Why is the sky blue?

"Why is the sky blue?," she asked.

"Did you not read your science book? They have got all the answers right. Let me get on with my studies for now," was his brief say.

She quietened and turned over the pages. In some time their was a beep in her cell, she checked the screen and smiled out.

Why is the sky blue??

#HeSheStories 

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Talks!

One day the sun will rise and ask, "did you live your life full?" and you will happily rise to say," yeah! I did," (in full spree) :-)

That my dear is what matters in life, बाँकी सब फजुल हे ;-)!

इति !!

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Says!

Some of the days I wondered. If you ever bothered!

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Ramblings!!

Someday when I will let you go. Remember. Nothing will remain back. And I will just let you go.

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Love for Love !!

Love loved like,
the first rain
the fresh dew
the budding flower
the rising sun
the misty mountains
the calm breeze.

Love backed love like,
the street side paani-puri
21 love ice cream
momo with jhol
warm cup of coffee
sips of coke
a long ride.

Love and love loved !!

Metta !!

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Feels !!

I could never love you lesser and I know someday I will fall in love with you again.

!!

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Disgrace !

For a moment I felt like it was disgrace. But then that's how things move on.

(Silence)!!

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Periods !

Suddenly there existed no feeling. No feeling at all.

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That feeling !

That sudden feeling of so many things happening at the same time. 

The heart beats fast.

Butter flies in the stomach.

and there's this urge to write.

PS: I am feeling damn hungry *pop* *pop*

Banana Lassi time.

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Said !!

Sometimes it makes me feel retarded, I belong to this world.

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"Boulevard Of Broken Dreams" !!

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah, aaah-ah,
Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah

I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line
Of the edge and where I walk alone

Read between the lines
Of what's fucked up and everything's alright
Check my vital signs
To know I'm still alive and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah, aaah-ah
Ah-ah, ah-ah

I walk alone
I walk a...

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone...

!!
From Greenday's "Boulevard Of Broken Dreams"

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Marriage !!

Basically you are told your feathers are gonna be scratched and you are gonna live in a cage for the rest of your life.

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Her thoughts !!

She faked the *smilies*. She was somewhere hurt among those words, she never spoke of.

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In thoughts !

When it doesn't even make sense, why should you bother to bother?

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The Hustle Bustle of The Town !!

And in the hustle bustle of the town;

people came rushing

went rushing too

rushed the air

rushed the beings

rushing was the form

waitings rushed

unwaitings rushed

rushed the thoughts

rushed the whole crowd.

And in the hustle bustle of the town;

calmness was a nightmare

uncalm thoughts

uncalm were the beings

even loving was uncalm

hates were uncalmful enough

uncalmness bereaved

uncalmness brooded

uncalm happiness

uncalm were the sadness.

And in the hustle bustle of the town;

there was light at some end

though dim

it showed hope

hopeful were the vibes

hopeful dreams

hopes belied

hopes bestowed

hopes smiled

hopes prevailed.
:-)!

Metta!

Image courtesy: @deviantArt

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Moods!

Tensed-- the song is the fastest on the playlist.
*******Calms down*********
Jumps to slow track immediately--Relaxed.

Music defines me.

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Love Upreared !

Love said
love more
for the love
just love

I agreed
loved love
just love
loved the more

Love said
love's done
don't love
love anymore

I agreed
unloved love
no love
for the love

Love said
love again
not me
the other love

I was stoned
eyes dried
pain upheaval
but love not loved

Love inspects
love summons
love threatens
to unlove love

I said
when all the love
ended with love
how do I love, love?

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Life Thoughts !

Sometimes I wonder for my call at! My calling wants to drag me somewhere, I don't know where.

Yeas! I am still in search of *Metta*! Hope the search ends soon.

Thoughts and Prayers!!

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!!

I should have known it had to end somewhere but then it never ended.

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I Love Rains :-)!

Rain’ sings

rain dances

there's a charm in rain.

Rain squeaks

rain pampers

there's fluidity in rain.

Rain smells

rain tastes

there's gravity in rain.

Rain closens

rain departs

there's the spark of love in rain

Rain drenches

rain flies

there’s happiness in rain. 

Oh Rain!

dear rain

I love rains J

Metta !

Image courtesy: Google Images.

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Saw that too!

There was a pattern in our writes. We are a one-liner bloggers!

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Moods !

There's nothing so very special to be talked about. Not even the rains !!

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Poising a thought !

Sometimes so many thoughts move around in mind that you can't just quieten them. Some of those thoughts got poised and spilled over here.

-----

*Take I*

My thoughts moved on from the age thing.

What difference does it make when I say am 50 years old or 40 years old or 30 years old or  20 years old?

Is my way of behaving garnered by my age. The day when I will reach 40 should it be different then the way I behaved when I was 20. Do I really need to change that far? Can I not behave like a teenager when am 40? Can I not wear what I want to wear when am 45? Do I need to speak very much differently when am 50? Do I need to put on a severe serious coat "a mukhauta" over my face to be me? Why won't I be able to be me when I am me-myself? Why would I need to move on with the certain societal norms when I want to be me?

Why should I be judged by my age?

----

*Thoughts*

While I pose these questions I get my answer too. 

Age is just a number garnered by our thought. We tend to believe and make that belief such profoundly integrated within our system that we want ourselves nurtured in a wrong way with the wrong and false beliefs. 

I would say no! We do not need to be guarded by the false belief of guarding ourselves by age, profession, seniority, hierarchy etc. BE YOU and it's as simple as that.

For now I would like to end my note with this video "Khat"

----

*Wrapping up*

I felt like,
*poising a thought*
The thoughts,
which can always fly
Still I felt like,
Poising a thought !

PS: I want to write something more on this topic. May be someday I say something more profound.
Until then let me be older :-)!

Metta!
Video courtesy: Emotional.

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Compassionate !

The way I was
the way I am
you sharpen the way it is
let me get better along.

(....to be continued)!

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Wishes and Prayers !

My evening prayers were up,
when the sun went down.

Prayers were there for you,
you were there in those words.

My wishes soared high,
your name came all the while.

If wishes are heard ,
Mark it; you will be mine!!

Metta !
Image by: @KanchanOjha :-)!

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Scribblings !

The  vanity in hopes

Creations  in uncreativity

Says in unsays

Fathom in  freedom

Likelihoods in unlikelihoods

Hopes in despairs

Beings in unbeings

Bends in unbends

Reactions for unreacted

Life in non-livings,

When you seek

Bare the hands be

Still the life be

Scribble you though do

Meaningless the feels be.

Metta!!

Image courtesy: @googleimages

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Mundane talks !

Some days are kind of confusing but still you try to overcome them. You panic and panic some more and that's how it goes.

May be there's no better way to overcome them. Sometimes you seek for help, sometimes you speak off but that doesn't work all the time. And overtime you also know that it's useless to speak as well. That's the general common rule may be and there's no any alternate way out of it.

(takes a long deep breathe)

Signs off !!
In search of Metta!!

Image courtesy: A friend's capture from Pokhara museum!

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Friendship Day :-)!

If,
I had to write a poem,
and tell
what a 'friend' means
I would have
wrote the poem
sung lores
& even tried writing stories

I,
would have then
scribbled pages
still the word 'friend"
would not have
fit in mere words
and phrases
and those bulk of pages

Happy Friendship Day folks smile emoticon!
Though a day is never enough for celebrating the loveliest of relation, still they say the first Sunday of August stands for Friendship day.
Love the feeling of being a friend/having a friend and Cherish the bond smile emoticon!

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I's (Eyes)

I read,
those words for you
I smiled.

I read,
those words again
cloudy see thy.

I touched,
the corner of my eyes
moist were thee.

I tried,
to swag the thought away
dripped thy in the sea.

I never knew,
expressing those feels
speechless I be.

Metta!
Image courtesy: @deviantart

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सोच-३

अनि अचानक लाग्यो जो जस्तो हुञ्छ उसलाई तेस्तै व्यवहार गर्नु कि नाइँ ?

उत्तर खोज्दैं छु।

इति !!

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#Phases !!

A thought just came over. Someday when I will look at my blog and remember the blabbering made in at so many instances then I will get to know, Yeah! I passed these phases of mine. Sometimes I might think, well I made so big talks at those times or may be I was so childish back then :-)

The phases of life are really interesting. The other day I was reading a blog and came to know that the blog writer had already died. Well I was reading a dead man. It is such a crude feeling.....*My thoughts paused for a while.*.... Well we read so many of the 'deads', not a big deal! But when we read the thoughts, the aspirations, the dreams of someone dead--that give you goosebumps and that's what happened here.

Tsk
Tsk!!

BTW, I love to read Suman's blog. It always energizes me with a new passion. Though she writes less. But whatever she writes, I love it. I am her die-hard fan :-))! Ummm...and he's about to have his exams. Yeah! I miss his words.

And then I was reading a friend's blog lately. I was happy to read the phases he went through. That feeling of going to and fro in someone's life via the writes give an awesome feel too. You know you are looking at someone else's mirror and can actually see them. And then there are also sometimes when you exactly know somehow you think the same too. That's what connects the two peoples. This is an amazing feel, but this is how it is.

And I have stories with so many peoples via their words. I must say words bind me bad. Very very bad. They can swing my thoughts and or make me think some more at the same time....Ahh! endless talks. For now I end my blabbers here!

Until then the *Earth* is round 

Metta !!

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It was for YOU!

"My missings never end," she said with a wry smile and off she went.

Metta !!

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They said !

“I'm in love with you," he said quietly.

"Augustus," I said.

"I am," he said. He was staring at me, and I could see the corners of his eyes crinkling. "I'm in love with you, and I'm not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasure of saying true things. I'm in love with you, and I know that love is just a shout into the void, and that oblivion is inevitable, and that we're all doomed and that there will come a day when all our labor has been returned to dust, and I know the sun will swallow the only earth we'll ever have, and I am in love with you.”

--John Green in "The Fault in Our Stars"

Metta!!

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She feels!

She was working firmly on her table when suddenly he came flying over her mind. She tried to swag his thought with a head bang as she always would have done.  But today she was being unable to. She tried hard to get back to her work but again felt like talking to him. She knew she would be disturbing him but still couldn't help herself back. Immediately she took her phone, dialed his number 98........ but cut it off abruptly. She knew she won't be able to spake up. She tried to text too, but couldn't. She wanted to thank him as that picture reminded her of him. She wanted to show him the picture.

"Thank you," she mumbled and got back to work.

Metta!

Pic coutesy: @9gag

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ऊ- २ !

"आज देखि साँस लिन छोडि देऊ तिमि," आदेशात्मक पारामा भनेछन् उनीले। उन्को भनाईको लवज सुनी साँसको आवस्यकता नै केहि रहेनछ जस्तो लाग्यो ऊलाई पनि, अनि साँस रोकि बसि दिइ ऊ।

इति !!

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Fragile !

I felt fragile lately coz the presence was omnipresent. I believed you existed but you were never there.

Metta !

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Plot-less plots!

Whenever I start writing 2 or 3 plots move around at the same time in my mind and I end up writing nothing. This is not the first time it has happened, but for the umpteenth time again. Today too I was about to start with some other plot but seems I have ended up writing something else. I was talking to my friend lately, I said I sometimes write a lot of non-sensible stuffs. He was of the opinion, that it being my blog I had the right to do so. As it is my blog it certainly gives me the freedom to scratch the very minutest of things or just talk big. To swag or just make fuss.

Having thought of all the sensible and non-sensible stuffs I didn't feel like thinking anything more and just let my fingers run on the keyboard and there I made it inhere. May be then when my being doesn't exist, my words would exist; a crazy yet true of the thought swirled in. Whenever I make such says I am told to shut up as if am immortal. We have this habit of closing our eyes in sheer brightness and assume that the darkness hovers around. 

Having said this am still in dearth of a plot, a more of a sensible plot. A plot that glistens like the moon in the full-moon night. May be one awaits ahead.

Until then.

Metta !

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ऊ !!

"टिनको डब्बा उठाएर फाले जस्तो गर्नु भयो नि हजुरले, म त हाड/छाला र हृदय भएको मनुस्य पो थिए त।" यतिभन्दा भन्दै उस्को आवाज भासियो, अनि मुख फर्काएर हिडिछे ऊ !!

इति !!

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!!

"That was the day I knew I loved you to bits," she mumbled.

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Love never loves !

When love knew
it was love
love never loved

with more of love
love upholds
but love never loved

in the sleepless nights
when love up-roared
yet love never loved

and love sub-sides
just then when
love never loved.

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Periods!

"Sometimes I find myself miserable, coz when I miss you I can't even say, "I miss you".
Miser-ability crosses it's limit when I want to see you and can't even say ,"hey! lets meet".
Feel helpless when I feel like running to you and letting you know how much I love you and then I can't."

"How I wish I never fell in love!" she mumbled.

Suman felt like she was listening to the radio as Preeya was speaking on her own. She heard her word by word. Felt her all the way.

She knew she could not do anything more.

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Aftermath of love !

If love was it,

she thought-
she won't be able to love again. 

Coz,

all the loves got drained-
in loving the lovable one.

The lovable one,

whose presence made her love-
everyone some more. 

Still love,

peaked the more-
gave her the strength. 

That strength,

which showed her the path-
let her intact.

Intactness,
which made her pious-
let her flee from the edge.

Though,

love was never hers-
she loved love some more.

Metta !!

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प्रिय धरहरा !

प्रिय धरहरा,

तिमीलाई देखे 

गलेको 

ढलेको 

निढाल 

अस्तित्व-विहिन 

कहिले नउठ्ने गरि 

सुतेको। 

त्यसरी देख्दा,

मन थामेको  

बाँध फुट्यो 

चित्त फाट्यो 

सुस्केरा छुट्यो 

हाँसो हरायो 

आखाँ रोयो 

आशु बग्यो। 

मनलाई संभाले 

हेरे फर्की एता उता 

फेरी देखे 

तिमी माथि चिल कौवा सरि 

झुन्डिएका ती 

मनुष्यका हुल 

तिमीलाई खोपि रहेका 

नोचि रहेका। 

प्रिय धरहरा, 

यस्तो एक्लो 

त्यसरि बर्सौ वर्ष 

ठाडिदा नि

कहिल्यै भएको थिएनौ त तिमी 

जसरि ढल्दा 

तिमि एक्लियौ 

निस्सासियौ 

र फेरी विस्मृति मा विलिन हुन पुग्यौं।। 

इति !!

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That day !

That day

when the day begun

it was cool and calm

but by the end, it was doomed to dark

That day,

when the earth thrashed

many hearts crashed

& just in a blink, lives vanished

That day,

everyone could just shout

heart wrenching were the voices

life-turning were the happenings

That day,

everyone of us wished

had the day never begun

had it never existed

After that day,

we hope

like every other day

this day passes too !!

Metta!!

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!!

I intrude into the un-intrudables.

Metta !

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You!

I watched you from somewhere distant. Wondered, you can still bring tears to my eyes. Closed my eyes. 

Metta !

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Last night!

I can somehow connect to the last supper as I sit and write the "Last night" as of now. What would last supper be like. The end of many things while something new starts on. 

For me as I write last night, I have so many things moving at the back of my head. Past 3 years roll down the memory lane. I will do this, I will be like this. Things will happen as such and all was there when I came to this place. For the past 3 years I have been in this place-- "Kailali"--I call it the other K-district of my life, as my life moves around some of the K-districts. Nevertheless, as I move on my hand, I feel like is it also important to write inhere? Do I really need to come up with my feelings on this wall ? or just keep it to myself as I would have always done. But then an inner voice told me to speak up and let this page of my life be the open page for today.

I am full with feelings but I will try expressing though I get speechless as always.

Dear Dhangadhi,

You have been an awesome caretaker throughout. I have seen you growing in these 3 years. Just that I never felt connected to you in that ways I would have felt otherwise. 

And--

I am leaving you here.

Leaving where you were

leaving the way you were.

In coming days, yeah we will meet, but we will meet as those friends who were never close but were always together. I cherish our friendship. I know our roads will cross time and then, we will smilingly greet each other. And then again move in our own ways. I have loadsa memories from you/with you. I have had awesome relations being under your realm. I can never forget that. You have been an awesome companion.

Thank you for coming into my life. Your presence has let me grow the more all the while. Your presence really means a lot in life. I will remember you forever. I will cherish your presence in my life forever. You have witnessed the lonesome phases of me. You have witnessed the distant phases of me. You have also witnessed the connectedness phases of me and the happy/happening phases of me. As of now, I can see myself in different corners of "my room" here which will no longer remain mine from tomorrow. I can feel the different moods of mine captured in different blogs, the different stories which evolved in and around this place, the different feelings and the happenings thereafter which I lived. I have a swarm of thoughts as of now-inexpressible though. I will try posting them in the later days. For now a big THANKS to you as I sign off from this good-bye note.

"It's a beginning to the end"

I captured this sight at Dhangadhi Airport in Jan'2014

Until we meet again

Metta!

5th April, Sunday, 2015

2:35 AM

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निर्विकल्पित !

निर्विकल्प भएर ऊ विकल्प खोज्न हिडिछे।  थाहा थियो ऊलाई के भै राखेको छ, आगामी के हुनेछ अनि सबै ति तेस्ता कुराहरु। धेरै चोटि आउने बिचार नै यहि थियो कि ऊलाई हरेक कुराको पूर्वाभास कसरि हुन्छ।  फेरि सोच्थि केहि थाहा नै नहुने भए कति रमाइलो हुन्थ्यो जिन्दगि अनि फेरि अर्को सोच आई टोपल्थ्यो या बढि भयावह नै हुन्थ्यो।  जे होस् ऊस्को सोचको परिधि भन्दा बाहिर पुगिसकेको थियो हरेक कुरो अनि ऊ धेरै कुरो नि सहन नसक्ने भै सकेकि थिई।  

फेरी सोच्थि ऊस्ले चाहेंकि त थिइन नि य़ी सब कुरो फेरि उसै सँग किन हुन गएछ सब। तेहि भएर यि सब कुरो बाट टाढा रहन चाहन्थी ऊ। यि यदावत अन्तहिन सोचहरुले ऊस्लाई निकै नै गाह्रो गरिरहेको थियो केहि समय अघि देखि नै।  तर ऊस्को दुर्भाग्य ऊ केहि गर्न नि सक्दिन थिइ यस् बारे, आफुसँग गन-गन गर्न सिवाय।  

इति !

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The Torn Feathers!

She flapped her wings
they seemed torn
she tried to fly
far was the sky

She tried to speak
came out the whimpers
hard she cry
but her pains didn't die

She tend to stand tough
though she was in a grump
she did not squeak a bit
even her silence didn't speak

She was a masterpiece
still things were out of peace
she kept trying
though her efforts were dying

And then she left the grumblings
out came the sufferings
she saw her feathers cut
still she didn't grunt

Metta!
Image courtesy: @DeviantArt

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She-my friend (The "HALTED" story)

14^th March, 2015 

After freshening up early in the morning, I directly went to my laptop. I had some quick emails to make as I was busy preparing for a trip starting the next day. It was a week long trip where I was to have limited access to email. With a cup of tea I sat before the screen and started my e-day. As I was going through the regular mails, a subject line drew my attention. It was written in bold letters 'HALTED'. This was a surprising 'subject' in an email from Preeya. Though she had had different complains at different point of time but this was more of a different subject line in her series of emails.  I somehow felt something was bothering her more this time, but still couldn't make out what. As I opened the mail my thoughts flew to her place;

Dear Suman,

I just wanted to tell you that the thoughts wanted to halt for sometime. They have had enough of battles with themselves...................................Preeya!

"This was the end of a brilliant piece of email," a thought swirled in my mind and vanished itself. I had seen her growing and glowing within different spheres and also witnessed that each day had been a battle for her but she was not the kind of person who would surrender. I never thought this word existed in her dictionary. But there she came with the word "Halted". I tried to figure out the meaning of this word. I typed "define halted" in a new tab and google came up with the option:

The word 'stop' drew my attention. "She wanted to 'stop'--but why??," I asked myself. 

"What was the reason of her stoppage? 

Why does she want to stop in the middle of nowhere?

Why such an email?

What has been bothering her so much?"

Questions overflooded me. I couldn't work anymore, I felt the need to speak to her. I called her immediately. In my 5th attempt she picked up the phone. 

"Hello," a timid voice spoke up from the other end. 

"Hey," was my brief say and immediately I flooded her with my questions. All the 5W1H were waiting for her.

"I do not have any answer for now Suman," she said. But she forgot it was me- the one with whom she cannot hide a word. 

"What happened Preeya, tell na," I said in a loving tone. She sounded melted.

"I don't find ways Suman, I feel helpless--with no way out. 

I feel I am creating delusions.

I feel possessive.

I feel obsessed.

I feel loved and thereby feel unloved.

I feel I donot have much time, I feel the urge to do something and suddenly my interest withers off. 

It is such a dilemma I am in, I can't tell,' she started crying.

I could feel all the pain in her voice. I knew her restlessness. I knew what she was going through, still I wanted to hear more from her. "Keep going," I said slowly.

She sulked her cries and added,"I want to fly Suman.

I just don't want to exist, I want to get existenceless.

I do not want to be there in the known world.

I want to dwell in an unknown world at many times. I have not slept for days just thinking this," she said in a quivering tone again.

I couldn't see her in pains anymore. I said,"Preeya, have you seen the dusk end?" I paused.

"Have you seen the dawn rise?

Have you felt the blowing breeze?"

She was quiet.

I added again,"everything is existential, everything has it's value. Time flows like the sand in hand. None of us can ever stop it. Can never break-through. 

You feel possessive-quite natural, no worries dear.

What you can do is do your part. You can love-but can't make others love.

Sing, dance, read, write, just ENJOY -- all your interests will be back. Remember there's an end to everything. 'Everything passes--as everything else does.' So let the unwanted ones pass and the wanted ones come on track. Stay happy dear. Happiness is the ultimate charm of life, so be happy." 

There was silence all around. I couldn't hear anything more. I could hear the silent snores in the phone. I felt how tired she was from past few days which came up as the snoring song. After listening to her sleeps, contentedly I put the phone down and got busy for the days' tasks.

15^th March, 2015

Before leaving the town I checked my email briskly, this might be the last email checking for the rest of the week I thought. Under a pile of emails I was astonished to see the subject line ":-)". I couldn't help my smile and curiosity and opened up the email in a haste.

Dear Suman,

I feel happy. I see hope. Hope for today. Hope for tomorrow. More when you come back. I love you dear friend. Thank you for being there............................Preeya :-)!

I felt happy. Relaxed! The smile changed it's face value in my face.

Driver dai had started blowing horn at my door. I hurriedly closed the laptop, ran downstairs towards the door-smiling this time.

Metta!

Image courtesy: Google Images.

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