Some thoughts- Some important thoyghts!

"Who we really are?- Our own person before our ego develops," Suman said. Some thoughts. Some important thoughts!

About the same time I happened to listen to Yuval Noah Harari-- this person was telling that what we humans tend to believe becomes the reality. Like the way we have given importance to money and some paper bills are considered to be of great value is just the result of our acceptance. We think this exists, that sure does exist. Isn't it interesting? The way we have let something grow more than the others. Maybe sometimes let the nonexistent grow and thrive- in the form of scary feelings, in the form of insecurities- just letting it grow. 

So, wouldn't knowing thyself help? Would it not help more than the others?

Time to give some thoughts- some more important thoughts!

Metta!!

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Two things: Random reminders!

 Nov 29, 2022

Two things:

One: A couple of days back I reread a message- "Do you like straight forward criticism?" I said: Yes. They: "your writing is bland. No taste, no writing skill, no proper use of verbose."

I knew then, I am not  a great writer, but I try to express- I try to write, just in the hope I will be better. I still tend to write even though I was heart broken then, I doubted myself a little bit more then. I still write, because writing is the only medium where I can express myself fully- the way I want to.  Like I come to this page,*make a a digital footprint*, but yeah! it feels good like the prairies dancing with their light lit in a summer night with the cold breeze on :-) Isn't it the best feeling? So it is for me: to write. So even though I will not make sense the 100th time, I will try the 101th time- I have also come to the agreement with myself that English is my second language. Maybe my first language is not great enough for a literary writing but it's good enough to express myself and when it comes to my second- I can do some parts of it-- That that. period.

Two: A sudden realization that I have kept a lot of pain within myself. And so much used to the pains that you have stopped even mentioning it. 

That you is "me." My leg hurt so much that even though it would pain, I wouldn't mention much in detail about it to anyone other than my provider and she suggested to use the walking shoes after my feet didn't get any better in almost a two months time. And I was living in pain all this time. When I was walking today, apart from the heaviness of the shoes which made it uncomfortable to walk, my paining toes where so much in rest. You know that feeling when you feel just nice and the pain ceases for that moment- that happened for me.

The long walk back home from Student health services was a bliss to me. And I felt so good.. I feel good writing about it as well.

                                                        Picture: By me!

Metta!

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Scared!

Have you been scared. Scared like anything at any time? I don't know why the scary feelings linger but they do!

And this scariness is also not like that SCARINESS but just that  that slowly cringes your heart and knocks you slowly whenever you are opening your email.

Hopefully, this too shall pass!!

Metta!

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A manual Monologue!

Every day is different from the other- I feel better than yesterday. Still there are unknown paths (many), but I hope I will be able to figure them out.

Academia is hard, tough and there are so many unknown paths that need to be figured out. Maybe some day it will be fine, maybe some day I will be able to tell someone like me, it's okay to not know and you will figure out the way. It is fine having shortcomings.

Just that it's been a lot of years living the life of struggles that some days the struggles seem too much. And I feel like I am just done. I know this won't end and there are endless paths to be figured out in life. But I feel I am tired, so tired to figure things out. I wish I could have been a kid at least till a certain age of my life so that adulthood would not have dawned early in my life and this life could have cherished.

I wish! I wish!

Metta!

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Sighs!

 The journey is getting more difficult each day. I don't know. I really don't know!

Please help!!

Metta!

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This feeling!

 I am scared, more scared lately than any other time. Maybe every other scary moment feels as such. But I do feel so.

I just hope these feelings goes away!

Metta!!

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This!

 Is it just me who doesn't seem lovable? Or doesn't deserve the love I should? Or made mistakes, never revocable!

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Aarvik in August!

Last week, Aarvik (maybe August 19) and I were walking to his daycare when we saw a kid on the way with their parent and Aarvik said “she works at my office.” Made me laugh- he literally takes his “office” seriously 😊!

Metta!

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Doing the uncomfortable conversations? Would it help?

Would teaching people on Sexism, homophobia and trans-phobia help them have a different attitude towards what they think? Would it help?

This is a grave question and one that keeps on coming in my mind. Would having deep conversations around these help? I feel that it should? and many times making conversation is so hard. But at least we can try? Right? We SHOULD TRY, everyday some more.

Because people do not think that ways (why do they not?)? they are not at all brained that ways (why are they not?)? and neither have they seen things in those angles (why do they not?) and they do not want to listen to any of these (why not?)? And they are just scared even to think about it that they might be the "out-caste" even if they think in some ways? maybe?? Does the fearful environment we grew up in makes us so reluctant to speak to wrongs? (be it be wrong of any kind?) That when we're kids we were never taught to be "upstanders" and we never learnt to "upstand" for someone? some causes? And then we never knew "upstanding" was possible- for ourselves and for others? Would it be the thing as well for some? Not for many others? Why is it so hard to think some "normal" humanitarian values? Why have we made our lives so complicated (uselessly)?

But still I feel doing the uncomfortable conversation should help. If the other person who you speak to listens to you? Tries to listen at all?

Open hearts and Open minds- if they exist, maybe that helps? Maybe!! Maybe it will!

And then I think; "के सरु भक्त ले भने झैँ एउटा "पागल बस्ति" बसाउन सकिन्छ त ?" जहाँ यी सबै कुरा गर्न सकियोस्।  भन्न सकियोस् "यस्तो हो नि कुरो।" "ल कुरा गरम।" र यहिँ हो सत्य। There's nothing beyond. Nothing above. 

कहिले काहिँ त लाग्छ काश कतै यो "पागल बस्ति" बसाउन सकियोस् अनि बनम अलिकति अरु बढी पागल मानवताकालागि।  

काश।  

The thing that is needed the most is still a far-cry, a faraway dream? It shouldn't be. It should not be.

Metta!!

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Aarvik says about age and other things!

 7 June 2022

Aarvik says: "Mamu, when you were my age- you were a kid." ☺! And the long explanation thereafter, how it happens about our age and then when he becomes our age he will be "big people like mamu and buwa."

Things he says.

When I wear a dress, he's like "You are not princess, why are you wearing this cloth?" "You are people." 😀! He has a story of his own.

Metta!

 

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I read the book "The Love Hypothesis"

I finished reading the book on June 3, 2022 somewhere around midnight! 

 

Image: From GoodReads page

It just took longer for me to sit down and finish reading a book, and it happened to be that "The Love Hypothesis" happened to be the one book I finished after a long time. Everyone has a reason for reading a book. For me, I liked Richa's book review and went for this one and borrowed one from the library. The book reached our house via the Corvallis benton County library's home delivery support the second week of May. Well! Perks of being a Ph.D. student is that you hardly finish reading your book and are never able to finish those and you end up barely reading for pleasure. I remember Suman saying this- PhD is so intense I hardly read for pleasure. Well, I have stopped having any time for anything for long. Maybe time management is my weakness. I really need to work on this and be able to manage things, read and work. this is for some other time- that how I mess things up. For now about books.

Well, my fascination with getting the books from the library never ends, and thus this book came home too. One thing that drew me to the book was the life of a PhD student and the academic life in general. I finished the read yesterday (June 3, 2022) in a couple of sittings before my finals week because I just needed this liberation of my thoughts to gather and work for the week ahead! It made me realize I can finish books in 5-7/8 hours. It's been a while since I did that!

I could relate to so many instances. Like the one as follows (such important one to think abut when doing research). Need to be kept in mind always.

And at many points, I saw AJ as the professor giving suggestions to their students. Why they are the way they are.

Academia is heart-wrenching at many times. You feel like a fool when you don't know but there are some who are supportive as well as a critique. So, so be it. There are times when you don't know the things you don't know and you will slowly know and move ahead. You will keep fighting the way you do.

It's tough. But maybe it will keep getting easier. Will take time but maybe it will. 

Metta!
Images: Shot by me from the book (Image 1, 2 & 3: Pg 89, 119 & 120 respectively)

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Can you?

 Can you try to do the impossible and come back a week later and say that you really did the impossible.

Can you??

Metta!

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Today: May 2, 2022

 Reading a sentence in mind in my tone and feeling bad about it. That's it. That's the write for today.

Metta!

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I miss you!

Some days it feels very lonely, as if there is no one- no one there for you.  It's so lonely. The path is lonely, the journey is lonely and there is just no one for you. No one at all. No friends, no family, no one, no where-- not even any closer. And all is there is that you are in a limbo trying to connect with different varieties of people who do not understand you and you do not make sense. You are like you're just alone. There's a group who thinks they are too young to be connected to you and there's some other who think you are too out of the way/ radical that your thoughts do not match. Some who do not understand you at all and it makes no no any sense talking to them. There are some who are very far, so so far that your faintest voice would never ever reach to them and you are just like alone. All alone always!

Metta!

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Thoughts on Karl Polanyi (shallow ones)!

When I look at history from this point, I find it weird-- why were people so thoughtless and would not make any sense at that point of time and then I think--oh well (this was thinking about the law against biracial marriages in California, the gay marriage everywhere, acceptance of trans-people and so so many others--)

At this moment I am reading Karl Polanyi's correspondence (typed letters) he made at different point of times and just making me feel like, those people who lived that moment it was such a great thing for them to do those things then, navigating their path--and also giving those theories and book like almost 80 years back that makes sense now too. 

Makes me wonder- How can even make sense agelessly? How ? What power do one possess to do that? 

Metta!

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Life and it's stories

 When I lose hope, will you hold me?

Hold me as if this is the only thing that exists and there's nothing above or beyond. And we exist while sondering in between- every once in a while. 

#Life !

Metta!

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Today!

 The sun is shining at my face when I try seeking some hope. Life is pretty as be with some sunshines and some winter rains. 

Metta!

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Aarvik says!

 13 January, 2021

Our kiddo Aarvik comes up and says "I don't like small kids." Well day to be noted.

Metta!

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