Too tired!

 Loneliness

&

Exhausted energy!

Why?

Why am I even expressing?

Maybe in anticipation,

that at least

I am heard somewhere

in 

some form

not in talks

but

at least

in my writes

this loneliness

&

Exhausted energy!

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Will we?

 Will anything ever suffice?

Will anything ever make sense?

Will our running ever end?

Will we ever be content with what we have?

Everything is futile. Nothing matters.

Metta!!

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Vanish!

How many times would I have wanted to vanish and have not been able to? If like the messages that say “vanish mode” life could also have that “vanish mode.” And life would be free of any judgements, any longings and any mirage.

Just the oblivion and vanish!

Metta!!

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Life!

Have you had a life where everyone hates you? Hate you from the core of their heart, find wrong in every doing, still around there to tell you how wrong you are!!

Have you had a life as such!?!

Metta!

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Times!

 Do you have a control over your vulnerability?

No. Not at all.

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Defining moments!

Does the title do justice to what I will be writing? (a thought that came over, which I always defy and move on).

What is your defining moment? 

And what are others' defining moments for you? 

Does it even matter to have one or the other?

It's very interesting to realize this thing. Many moons back I was in class 9 or 10 maybe when my school decided to give me the "Most Obedient Student" award, I was happy (of course why not! awards make everyone happy) and surprised coz I didn't know that such an award existed. But the overall story is that I was happy. Just then one of my classmate suddenly commented "Ohh! this award doesn't suit you now when you "talk so much," it would have suited you when "you used to be quieter." This say of my friend I think will stay with me forever as it reminds me of the human behavior- of the human way of looking at things and thus thereafter.

I get many comments from my family members about how I am- mostly negative when I interact with them. Sometime they say they have said it in jest, or sometimes they just want to say that, or sometimes...the reasons would be many. But all in all, the negatives come before any positives. And it is a very interesting pattern of how humans interact-- or is it the "traumatized" human interaction? Because most of our life we have been listening to something bad about us in every interaction with our "other family members." For Praising we need to put so much of effort but if we have to say anything negative about anyone- it comes instantaneously.

Most of the time when I try to talk about it, people just start with the say that I am making a fuss out of it or "you always talk like this." Maybe behind my back they do appreciate some of my efforts, but when it comes to be face to face it is very disheartening to see the pattern. It's disheartening to know of my thousands efforts of good (which I have genuinely done), all remains is my some "being human"s bad (which in my all conscience was never bad- I never think ill of anyone- I never do ill to anyone). There's no point of my countless efforts which I do behind the scenes (which nobody sees, which nobody knows of)-- you can't even imagine the vulnerabilities I have been through. The countless points of judgement I have gone through in so many spheres I have been in. There have been good humans always around but there're also humans who never left any stones unturned to make my path difficult, to not let me do what I wanted and also be able to be there for my most dear ones when I so needed to- wanted to.....

Do my stories of vulnerabilities define me?

Metta!

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Thoughts Now!

A very very weird feelings creeps in.

I don't know what it is- but makes me very sad. very very sad. I don't know- but I don't want to carry over this feeling. Chanted "Om Namah Shivaya" loud-- may good feelings prevail.

For all the good and positive feelings to flow on.

OM NAMAH SHIVAYA!!

Metta!

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Life and Medley's!

You grow up with a kid. Not just the kid grows-- that had been thought and this thought grows profound with the growing Aarvik.

A kid can teach you so many things and makes you a "grownup" with their why's and how's? The research questions for the reseacrh feels like to be coming right out from a 3/4/5 year old'smouth. Why does this happen? Why do you need to do this? how do you do it? That's it. That's about it. A 3/4 /5year old starts finding the answer and as someone in their 30s is still finding the same answers. Will be doing the same thing in their 40s.. Does life in "real terms" grow?

Anywho apart from color/colorism, and other ten thousand question one question that has added in A's dictionary is "die." He would suddenly say- "I don't want to be hundred years and die." I feel like the death of the fish "carrot" i their classroom has brought him to reality about death with still keeping him being scared about death. Life is funny! Funny that it brings near to so many things and at the same time drags us far from them.

 Metta!

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The Reality That STands for This Life!

 Maybe for a second,

a thought came- 

rose high and then suddenly with no sense of belonging 

died therein.

 

Not only today-

but everyday

one or two of those thoughts come

rise above and dive down to plunge somewhere unknown everyday 

#TheRealityForThisLife !

Metta!

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Black history month!

When black and brown kids-

will be excluded coz they have black hair

and their skin tone is not white

but everything else.

"When black and brown kids"-

can they be even kept in the same pot?

Or they will be measured in terms of

who suffers more?

 

I don't find words. I don't have words!!

 

#Exclusion #Inclusion #Black #Brown !

 

Metta!!

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Her life (She- my friend)!

How difficult would it be,

to be an unturned stone

ready to be turned- wanting to be turned

but the world bringing its unheeded obligations

leaving the stone unturned

 

How difficult would it be,

to be burned- burned in the fire of nothingness

the "nothing," which is just made to be everything

halting the one who is already free

and scrunching her feathers in the name of "societal norms."

 

How difficult would it be,

to be be smiling, then

while inside, you're thrashed with hopelessness

and the unkindness of the state

still, you never stopped- did it so fearlessly

 

How difficult did they make it,

the life that could be lived so easily

Yet, you fought so hard- burnt them

rose like the phoenix- like you always do

You are the FORCE dear Metta!


Metta

(Remembered her victory day)!

 

 

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Some thoughts- Some important thoyghts!

"Who we really are?- Our own person before our ego develops," Suman said. Some thoughts. Some important thoughts!

About the same time I happened to listen to Yuval Noah Harari-- this person was telling that what we humans tend to believe becomes the reality. Like the way we have given importance to money and some paper bills are considered to be of great value is just the result of our acceptance. We think this exists, that sure does exist. Isn't it interesting? The way we have let something grow more than the others. Maybe sometimes let the nonexistent grow and thrive- in the form of scary feelings, in the form of insecurities- just letting it grow. 

So, wouldn't knowing thyself help? Would it not help more than the others?

Time to give some thoughts- some more important thoughts!

Metta!!

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Two things: Random reminders!

 Nov 29, 2022

Two things:

One: A couple of days back I reread a message- "Do you like straight forward criticism?" I said: Yes. They: "your writing is bland. No taste, no writing skill, no proper use of verbose."

I knew then, I am not  a great writer, but I try to express- I try to write, just in the hope I will be better. I still tend to write even though I was heart broken then, I doubted myself a little bit more then. I still write, because writing is the only medium where I can express myself fully- the way I want to.  Like I come to this page,*make a a digital footprint*, but yeah! it feels good like the prairies dancing with their light lit in a summer night with the cold breeze on :-) Isn't it the best feeling? So it is for me: to write. So even though I will not make sense the 100th time, I will try the 101th time- I have also come to the agreement with myself that English is my second language. Maybe my first language is not great enough for a literary writing but it's good enough to express myself and when it comes to my second- I can do some parts of it-- That that. period.

Two: A sudden realization that I have kept a lot of pain within myself. And so much used to the pains that you have stopped even mentioning it. 

That you is "me." My leg hurt so much that even though it would pain, I wouldn't mention much in detail about it to anyone other than my provider and she suggested to use the walking shoes after my feet didn't get any better in almost a two months time. And I was living in pain all this time. When I was walking today, apart from the heaviness of the shoes which made it uncomfortable to walk, my paining toes where so much in rest. You know that feeling when you feel just nice and the pain ceases for that moment- that happened for me.

The long walk back home from Student health services was a bliss to me. And I felt so good.. I feel good writing about it as well.

                                                        Picture: By me!

Metta!

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Scared!

Have you been scared. Scared like anything at any time? I don't know why the scary feelings linger but they do!

And this scariness is also not like that SCARINESS but just that  that slowly cringes your heart and knocks you slowly whenever you are opening your email.

Hopefully, this too shall pass!!

Metta!

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