14th March, 2015
After freshening up early in the morning, I directly went to my laptop. I had some quick emails to make as I was busy preparing for a trip starting the next day. It was a week long trip where I was to have limited access to email. With a cup of tea I sat before the screen and started my e-day. As I was going through the regular mails, a subject line drew my attention. It was written in bold letters 'HALTED'. This was a surprising 'subject' in an email from Preeya. Though she had had different complains at different point of time but this was more of a different subject line in her series of emails. I somehow felt something was bothering her more this time, but still couldn't make out what. As I opened the mail my thoughts flew to her place;
Dear Suman,
I just wanted to tell you that the thoughts wanted to halt for sometime. They have had enough of battles with themselves...................................Preeya!
"This was the end of a brilliant piece of email," a thought swirled in my mind and vanished itself. I had seen her growing and glowing within different spheres and also witnessed that each day had been a battle for her but she was not the kind of person who would surrender. I never thought this word existed in her dictionary. But there she came with the word "Halted". I tried to figure out the meaning of this word. I typed "define halted" in a new tab and google came up with the option:
The word 'stop' drew my attention. "She wanted to 'stop'--but why??," I asked myself.
"What was the reason of her stoppage?
Why does she want to stop in the middle of nowhere?
Why such an email?
What has been bothering her so much?"
Questions overflooded me. I couldn't work anymore, I felt the need to speak to her. I called her immediately. In my 5th attempt she picked up the phone.
"Hello," a timid voice spoke up from the other end.
"Hey," was my brief say and immediately I flooded her with my questions. All the 5W1H were waiting for her.
"I do not have any answer for now Suman," she said. But she forgot it was me- the one with whom she cannot hide a word.
"What happened Preeya, tell na," I said in a loving tone. She sounded melted.
"I don't find ways Suman, I feel helpless--with no way out.
I feel I am creating delusions.
I feel possessive.
I feel obsessed.
I feel loved and thereby feel unloved.
I feel I donot have much time, I feel the urge to do something and suddenly my interest withers off.
It is such a dilemma I am in, I can't tell,' she started crying.
I could feel all the pain in her voice. I knew her restlessness. I knew what she was going through, still I wanted to hear more from her. "Keep going," I said slowly.
She sulked her cries and added,"I want to fly Suman.
I just don't want to exist, I want to get existenceless.
I do not want to be there in the known world.
I want to dwell in an unknown world at many times. I have not slept for days just thinking this," she said in a quivering tone again.
I couldn't see her in pains anymore. I said,"Preeya, have you seen the dusk end?" I paused.
"Have you seen the dawn rise?
Have you felt the blowing breeze?"
She was quiet.
I added again,"everything is existential, everything has it's value. Time flows like the sand in hand. None of us can ever stop it. Can never break-through.
You feel possessive-quite natural, no worries dear.
What you can do is do your part. You can love-but can't make others love.
Sing, dance, read, write, just ENJOY -- all your interests will be back. Remember there's an end to everything. 'Everything passes--as everything else does.' So let the unwanted ones pass and the wanted ones come on track. Stay happy dear. Happiness is the ultimate charm of life, so be happy."
There was silence all around. I couldn't hear anything more. I could hear the silent snores in the phone. I felt how tired she was from past few days which came up as the snoring song. After listening to her sleeps, contentedly I put the phone down and got busy for the days' tasks.
15th March, 2015
Before leaving the town I checked my email briskly, this might be the last email checking for the rest of the week I thought. Under a pile of emails I was astonished to see the subject line ":-)". I couldn't help my smile and curiosity and opened up the email in a haste.
Dear Suman,
I feel happy. I see hope. Hope for today. Hope for tomorrow. More when you come back. I love you dear friend. Thank you for being there............................Preeya :-)!
I felt happy. Relaxed! The smile changed it's face value in my face.
Driver dai had started blowing horn at my door. I hurriedly closed the laptop, ran downstairs towards the door-smiling this time.
Metta!
Image courtesy: Google Images.
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