Sondering again!

Isn't it a weird world where we are just trying to prove ourselves? Prove we are better than the others. Prove "I" think different than the others do, "I" think something someone has never thought or do someone has never done. I am as unique as I could be. I love the ones around me the most or I do my love in the most loving way.

Everything that "I", "Me" and "My" contains. And there's nothing beyond or above that. Some days I try to counsel myself thinking this is how the world works and maybe this is how it should work. Other days I get into this "sonderous" moment where I see myself one among those who is trying attempting to be one of those "specials"? or "non-specials"? Someday my story looks very important and some other days it's the same story of the 90% of the people I know. Because we somehow lived the same life- being a woman, being poor/underprivileged or bound with the family bounding or simply say it we were "Caged." There's not a thing that's new and many days it's this kind of thought that "I" am just nothing into this vast world.

Some existences!

 Until some new beginnings!

Metta!

Image: https://i.pinimg.com/236x/f6/1e/c0/f61ec06c7e3802c8827695fb63c1f81b.jpg

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Dandelions and Running Thoughts !

Trying to make writing a routine, yet not sure-how long? More motivations needed !!

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Felt like writing about parenthood, this is one of the topics I have wanted to write yet not been able to write. I don't know why, but something or the other things keeps coming as a hindrance. Most importantly me. I have been a slug in writing and reading. And I don't like this "me" who puts off everything.

Being a parent-a mother, has been a wonderful experience at many times and a door-lock for someone like me who dreams a lot at many other times. I cannot express this to be honest. I don't understand if I became mother because I so wanted to be a mother (like many people say, that they tried for motherhood so bad and how not being able to have conceived frustrated them) or it was part of the system and I wanted to overtake into this journey. I can't say it properly. Deep down I understand and tend to think I dread to accept that. Acceptance is so hard. A loving kid makes the journey just so wonderful that is for sure. And I cannot be less thankful for this any day. But maybe that I have taken so many burden on my shoulder that I am already tired. Tired! Mentally!! Physically!! And I really want to come out of this tiredness. I am trying hard but literally I don't know how to. And I am so demotivated that I don't even have the motivation of trying it. And this comes as so heavy at times, I can't move my hands writing it.

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I want to go back to my childhood where everything was so happy with no any shadow of any other kind of pains or uncertainties or anything. I wish I had nothing to think of and just things to merry! I want the bright white dandelions flying around the blue sky and I wish I were running towards them happily with no any heavy feelings.

Let peace come to life!

Metta!
Image: Dandelion

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Poising a thought !

Sometimes so many thoughts move around in mind that you can't just quieten them. Some of those thoughts got poised and spilled over here.

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*Take I*

My thoughts moved on from the age thing.

What difference does it make when I say am 50 years old or 40 years old or 30 years old or  20 years old?

Is my way of behaving garnered by my age. The day when I will reach 40 should it be different then the way I behaved when I was 20. Do I really need to change that far? Can I not behave like a teenager when am 40? Can I not wear what I want to wear when am 45? Do I need to speak very much differently when am 50? Do I need to put on a severe serious coat "a mukhauta" over my face to be me? Why won't I be able to be me when I am me-myself? Why would I need to move on with the certain societal norms when I want to be me?

Why should I be judged by my age?

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*Thoughts*

While I pose these questions I get my answer too. 

Age is just a number garnered by our thought. We tend to believe and make that belief such profoundly integrated within our system that we want ourselves nurtured in a wrong way with the wrong and false beliefs. 

I would say no! We do not need to be guarded by the false belief of guarding ourselves by age, profession, seniority, hierarchy etc. BE YOU and it's as simple as that.

For now I would like to end my note with this video "Khat"

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*Wrapping up*

I felt like,
*poising a thought*
The thoughts,
which can always fly
Still I felt like,
Poising a thought !

PS: I want to write something more on this topic. May be someday I say something more profound.
Until then let me be older :-)!

Metta!
Video courtesy: Emotional.

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Mundane talks !

Some days are kind of confusing but still you try to overcome them. You panic and panic some more and that's how it goes.

May be there's no better way to overcome them. Sometimes you seek for help, sometimes you speak off but that doesn't work all the time. And overtime you also know that it's useless to speak as well. That's the general common rule may be and there's no any alternate way out of it.

(takes a long deep breathe)

Signs off !!
In search of Metta!!

Image courtesy: A friend's capture from Pokhara museum!

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#Phases !!

A thought just came over. Someday when I will look at my blog and remember the blabbering made in at so many instances then I will get to know, Yeah! I passed these phases of mine. Sometimes I might think, well I made so big talks at those times or may be I was so childish back then :-)

The phases of life are really interesting. The other day I was reading a blog and came to know that the blog writer had already died. Well I was reading a dead man. It is such a crude feeling.....*My thoughts paused for a while.*.... Well we read so many of the 'deads', not a big deal! But when we read the thoughts, the aspirations, the dreams of someone dead--that give you goosebumps and that's what happened here.

Tsk
Tsk!!

BTW, I love to read Suman's blog. It always energizes me with a new passion. Though she writes less. But whatever she writes, I love it. I am her die-hard fan :-))! Ummm...and he's about to have his exams. Yeah! I miss his words.

And then I was reading a friend's blog lately. I was happy to read the phases he went through. That feeling of going to and fro in someone's life via the writes give an awesome feel too. You know you are looking at someone else's mirror and can actually see them. And then there are also sometimes when you exactly know somehow you think the same too. That's what connects the two peoples. This is an amazing feel, but this is how it is.

And I have stories with so many peoples via their words. I must say words bind me bad. Very very bad. They can swing my thoughts and or make me think some more at the same time....Ahh! endless talks. For now I end my blabbers here!

Until then the *Earth* is round 

Metta !!

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Peril of thoughts

I,
speak
and then
quietened

I,
smiled
and then
cried

Smiles,
amidst the sorrows
cries
in the pain

Grief,
in the perils
thoughts
with perks

I,
jot words
thrash them
on the wall

I,
the prescient
me
the narrator

Metta !!
Image courtesy: Deviant Art

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सोच- दोस्रो कडी !

कति निरिह छ प्राणि आफ्नो सोचको आवेग थाम्न नसकि आफ्नैहरुको बीच पराया जस्तो हुन पुग्दछ।  कसरि सम्झाउनु त्यो सोचलाई जहिले टाठो भएर बसेस्, जहिले विचारवान भएस् । कसरि भन्नु ति उडी हिड्ने सोचहरुलाई - तैले कहिल्यै कुनै फरक तरिकाले सोच्न पाउदैनस् , केहि गर्न त झनै पाउदैनस् । सदैव एकै तरिकाले  बसेस् । दुखे पछि ऐया नि नभनेस् । खुशी भएपछि जे गर्न मन लाग्छ गरेस्। बस् आफ्नो काबुमा बसेस्। यसैलाई आफ्नो जीवन मन्त्र बनाइ हिडेस्।  

अस्तु !

पहिलो: सोच- एक कडी

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Thoughts !

My thoughts never rest.
They have a mind of their own which wove a hundred and ten more type of thoughts.

Metta !
Image courtesy: Deviant Art

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October !

I sit at my table and stare at this screen as I start writing something bizarre. To be honest, I don't like *Octobers'*. October for me is like that unsung song which I sometimes feel would not have been sung at all.

A question strikes me time and then, "What would have happened if this month had not existed in the calender of our lives?" Had the happenings that happened in this month had not happened??"

It is said that "होनी को कौन टाल सक्ता हे". For me I still wish had the happenings un-happened.

I have some unwonted wishes and I wish at a point in my life they be fulfilled. One of them is still my wishing for *October* to not come in my life. After every September, I call upon November or any other month but not October.

~Only if wishes were heard~.

Metta !!

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उडानको आधार

त्यो दिन हाम्रो भेट भएको पहिलो पटक थियो।

"के जानेकी छ्यौ," उसले सोध्यो।

"शब्दहरु खेलाउन जानेकी छु। यहि नै हो एउटा विशेषता," मैले भनि दिए।

उ एकैछिन मुस्कुरायो। अनि फेरी भन्यो, "शब्द संग  निकै  प्रेम छ जस्तो छ नि.… " उसले अरु केहि भन्नु अघि म फेरी बोल्न पुगें, "शब्द खेति नै हो जसले हामीलाई जोडेको छ , मल-जल पायो भने सम्बन्ध हरहराउँछ नभए येतिकै सुक्दै जान्छ बालक बबुरो। "

उ मुक्त कण्ठले हाँस्यो,"वास्तवमा नै जानेकी छ्यौ तिमीले शब्द खेलाउन।"

एक छिन कोहि केहि बोलेनौ।  ऊ नि सोच्न थालेँ जस्तो गरि बस्यो।  म नि चुप लागेर बसेँ।

"हो यसरि नै आफुलाई उड्न दिईरहनु।  अनन्त आकाश छ, रोक्ने हैन यी शब्द रुपी तिम्रा पखेटाहरुलाई। उड्न देउ, बग्न देउ।"

"रिचार्ड बेकको 'जोनाथन लिविङ्ग्स्टोन सी गल' पढेकी छ्यौ नि ?" उसले अचानक सोध्यो।

"छु," मैले संक्षिप्त उत्तर दिए।

"हो त्यो सी गलले जस्तै आफुलाई परिधिमा नबांधी अनन्त आकाशमा उड्नको लागि छाडी देउ। रमाइलो छ संसार। बस आफुलाई अनन्त उडान प्रदान गर," उ त्यहि लयमा भन्दै गयो।

म चुप लागेर उसको  कुराहरु सुनी रहेकि थिए।  चिया आइसकेको थियो हामी माझ।

त्यो चियाको चुस्की लिई म एकैछिन हराएँकि जस्ति भएँ। टाढा आकाशमा त्यहि सी गल नै उडेको देखेको जस्तो लाग्यो।  अचानक आ-आफै मुस्काउन थालेछु म।  उ अचम्म मानि मलाइ हेरी राखेको थियो।

इति !

चित्र: वेब बाट !

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Thoughts !

A sudden splash of thoughts

meager me

entangled

bareheaded

A sudden downpour of feelings

surprised me

confused

unconcerned

A roar of the inner quests

thoughtful me

wavering

dubious

A plight yet again

twitchy me

baffled

troubled

And those confirmed thoughts

determined me

handy

resolute

And there I fly

ecstatic me

ebullient

blissful

Metta !

Photo courtesy: Web

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Sometimes

Sometimes I,
stare at the words
feel them
contemplate 
and smile back

Sometimes I, 
try and listen  
the silence 
and then hear 
the unspeakables

Sometimes I,
try to know
the depths
go to measure
the unmeasurables

And then I,
creep aside
leave abide 
try to endure
the unsufferables

From those lands, I come !

Metta !!

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Eureka's Mumblings !

Every time I started writing, my hand would scribble a few words and then suddenly it stopped. I had many reasons to tell but there was/is never a firm reason so that I can tell that this has been the reason I have not been able to jot down things. May be there had been many things to say or may be there was nothing to say. It was like I was trying to hide away things or maybe though I was not trying to hide even then there was no any pushing factor which would really help me get on track. Writing is actually a treat I could give to myself apart from few of those who would appreciate my writes and tell 'you should keep writing'. May be today I have pushed myself for the same reason too, to write even though I do not have anything special to write upon. May be sometimes some plotless write make more sense than the one with plot.

It's like a misty plotless world again, but as someone said there's a little light at the end of the tunnel. I too wish for some light at the end. 'Coz "I" believe :-)!

For "I's" believe :-)

Metta !

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Pictures !

Either you are drawing

or else you are drawn

pictures are those

that needs to be drawn

Depicts the feels

and then let you own

pictures are those

that needs to be drawn

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Mirage !

A sudden splash of thoughts
meager me
entangled
bareheaded

A sudden downpour of feelings
surprised me
confused 
dumbfounded

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A day of her mumblings (She-my friend) !

'While I stand all strong always, there's a part in me which is weak. It crawls inside itself, looks for the warmth-doesn't find anything and just lays around unattended', she was mumbling to herself. 'Life's so pathetic at times-you don't need anything sometime while you get all the unwanted things many a times.'

'Yeah I am getting weak; I am fed up of fighting with myself. There's always a fight running inside me and yet then I find nothing at all to look for'. 

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Moment of silence !

There are times when you can
hear the other's heartbeat--but cannot respond back,
you can feel the same way
but cannot come up with the same says.

A time when you cannot do anything
a time ruled by silence
May be silence speaks more than words
but even then silence doesn't speak !

Metta !
@Moments of thought
Image: Web 

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Vulnerable: She my friend (V) !

'Had it not existed at the first place, I would not have been so vulnerable' said she.

'It was as if I was running behind something and still it was far-afar, never to reach it", her voice was getting high. "I never knew I would tune into this path, this path of  vulnerability. I never knew I will be in such a pitiful state, never did I know-things would turn so tough for me'.

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सोच- एक कडी

उस्ले भनेको जस्तै मलाई पनि नेपालीमा लेख्न शब्द भेटिन  छुटी सकेको थियो । हो, यो मेरो नै कमजोरी हो भन्ने नि मैले बुझेको थिए तैपनी शायद आफ्नो कम्जोरी लाई आत्म्सात गर्न यो मन जानी नजानी मानि राखेको थिएन। पागल मन न हो जहिले आफ्नो सोच लाई नै शही जो सोच्दछ, अरुले भनेको त कुनै माने नै राख्दैन भन्ने जसरी । 

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"She" my Friend- III

'The metaphors for they had started speaking the then, it was nevertheless the same but however with passing time you know it moves on its own pace, creates its own language and deciphers itself in the  same manner', she said.

'We have talked as such a lot many times I guess', she was saying, 'but even then when we speak up again it's something new every time- New as something as afresh as the morning dew'.

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