Doing the uncomfortable conversations? Would it help?

Would teaching people on Sexism, homophobia and trans-phobia help them have a different attitude towards what they think? Would it help?

This is a grave question and one that keeps on coming in my mind. Would having deep conversations around these help? I feel that it should? and many times making conversation is so hard. But at least we can try? Right? We SHOULD TRY, everyday some more.

Because people do not think that ways (why do they not?)? they are not at all brained that ways (why are they not?)? and neither have they seen things in those angles (why do they not?) and they do not want to listen to any of these (why not?)? And they are just scared even to think about it that they might be the "out-caste" even if they think in some ways? maybe?? Does the fearful environment we grew up in makes us so reluctant to speak to wrongs? (be it be wrong of any kind?) That when we're kids we were never taught to be "upstanders" and we never learnt to "upstand" for someone? some causes? And then we never knew "upstanding" was possible- for ourselves and for others? Would it be the thing as well for some? Not for many others? Why is it so hard to think some "normal" humanitarian values? Why have we made our lives so complicated (uselessly)?

But still I feel doing the uncomfortable conversation should help. If the other person who you speak to listens to you? Tries to listen at all?

Open hearts and Open minds- if they exist, maybe that helps? Maybe!! Maybe it will!

And then I think; "के सरु भक्त ले भने झैँ एउटा "पागल बस्ति" बसाउन सकिन्छ त ?" जहाँ यी सबै कुरा गर्न सकियोस्।  भन्न सकियोस् "यस्तो हो नि कुरो।" "ल कुरा गरम।" र यहिँ हो सत्य। There's nothing beyond. Nothing above. 

कहिले काहिँ त लाग्छ काश कतै यो "पागल बस्ति" बसाउन सकियोस् अनि बनम अलिकति अरु बढी पागल मानवताकालागि।  

काश।  

The thing that is needed the most is still a far-cry, a faraway dream? It shouldn't be. It should not be.

Metta!!

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I read the book "The Love Hypothesis"

I finished reading the book on June 3, 2022 somewhere around midnight! 

 

Image: From GoodReads page

It just took longer for me to sit down and finish reading a book, and it happened to be that "The Love Hypothesis" happened to be the one book I finished after a long time. Everyone has a reason for reading a book. For me, I liked Richa's book review and went for this one and borrowed one from the library. The book reached our house via the Corvallis benton County library's home delivery support the second week of May. Well! Perks of being a Ph.D. student is that you hardly finish reading your book and are never able to finish those and you end up barely reading for pleasure. I remember Suman saying this- PhD is so intense I hardly read for pleasure. Well, I have stopped having any time for anything for long. Maybe time management is my weakness. I really need to work on this and be able to manage things, read and work. this is for some other time- that how I mess things up. For now about books.

Well, my fascination with getting the books from the library never ends, and thus this book came home too. One thing that drew me to the book was the life of a PhD student and the academic life in general. I finished the read yesterday (June 3, 2022) in a couple of sittings before my finals week because I just needed this liberation of my thoughts to gather and work for the week ahead! It made me realize I can finish books in 5-7/8 hours. It's been a while since I did that!

I could relate to so many instances. Like the one as follows (such important one to think abut when doing research). Need to be kept in mind always.

And at many points, I saw AJ as the professor giving suggestions to their students. Why they are the way they are.

Academia is heart-wrenching at many times. You feel like a fool when you don't know but there are some who are supportive as well as a critique. So, so be it. There are times when you don't know the things you don't know and you will slowly know and move ahead. You will keep fighting the way you do.

It's tough. But maybe it will keep getting easier. Will take time but maybe it will. 

Metta!
Images: Shot by me from the book (Image 1, 2 & 3: Pg 89, 119 & 120 respectively)

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"She" my friend- (My everything)!!

Isn't it weird that some days I fear what if something happens to me and I would not have expressed (adequately) what you mean to me? I would not have expressed my feelings enough. And puff I go!!

I fear dear. I fear bad! 

Know that, I have always loved you the most. I have always tried the best whatever I can do in all possible ways. Just that I have not known enough of doing things. That I didn't know how things work. I didn't know how I could make it work. They never listened to me. And things were never in my hands. And I regret it every time. I know that have caused you pain. And the easiest of thing just got harder for you, because I couldn't do anything and they didn't listen to me. They didn't even listen to me when I pleaded them for a scholarship, and they didn't write it for me. They never did. And I was devoid of those opportunities. They never listened to me. (I wonder how I survived that)! They always created jargon to complicate things for me. They devoid me of so many things and I could just sulk. They didn't even let me allow my friend's ease. And I sulked more. And all I can feel is pain. Write in pain, shed a few drops and bid a bye to this page of life not to turn it over again.

Just that, I am/will be there for you. Always and forever. I just wish I could open my heart or cry this out at my loudest. I wish I could have said it the loudest then. I wish I wouldn't have let the pain enter in you because of me. I wish!

You are a precious jewel of my life. A sacred one. I wish all the happiness for you my friend. Always and forever!

Love!

Metta!!

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The approached time!

The fears exist for a long time before they approach. And when they approach, *puff* the emotions evade themselves. They know how to be stronger each time. And they have grown stronger with time. They are resilient as a part of me. Some days I wonder who got better with time-THEM or ME or US !

Metta!

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Dandelions and Running Thoughts !

Trying to make writing a routine, yet not sure-how long? More motivations needed !!

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Felt like writing about parenthood, this is one of the topics I have wanted to write yet not been able to write. I don't know why, but something or the other things keeps coming as a hindrance. Most importantly me. I have been a slug in writing and reading. And I don't like this "me" who puts off everything.

Being a parent-a mother, has been a wonderful experience at many times and a door-lock for someone like me who dreams a lot at many other times. I cannot express this to be honest. I don't understand if I became mother because I so wanted to be a mother (like many people say, that they tried for motherhood so bad and how not being able to have conceived frustrated them) or it was part of the system and I wanted to overtake into this journey. I can't say it properly. Deep down I understand and tend to think I dread to accept that. Acceptance is so hard. A loving kid makes the journey just so wonderful that is for sure. And I cannot be less thankful for this any day. But maybe that I have taken so many burden on my shoulder that I am already tired. Tired! Mentally!! Physically!! And I really want to come out of this tiredness. I am trying hard but literally I don't know how to. And I am so demotivated that I don't even have the motivation of trying it. And this comes as so heavy at times, I can't move my hands writing it.

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I want to go back to my childhood where everything was so happy with no any shadow of any other kind of pains or uncertainties or anything. I wish I had nothing to think of and just things to merry! I want the bright white dandelions flying around the blue sky and I wish I were running towards them happily with no any heavy feelings.

Let peace come to life!

Metta!
Image: Dandelion

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Days !!

Not every thing you think is always true, not every thing you act up-works out to be the best. It's just that you try. Amidst trying though a large part of you vanishes in between but nevertheless you try. You try to preach. You try to tell things in a better way and you try being a better person. But somewhere, sometime you loose a large part of you in doing so.
You fight and then reach nowhere. That's exacerbating a condition. Such Banal days!

Metta !!

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Everything happens for our own good!

Everything happens for our own good.

It has happened good and it will happen good.

Amen.

Metta!

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Plot-less plots!

Whenever I start writing 2 or 3 plots move around at the same time in my mind and I end up writing nothing. This is not the first time it has happened, but for the umpteenth time again. Today too I was about to start with some other plot but seems I have ended up writing something else. I was talking to my friend lately, I said I sometimes write a lot of non-sensible stuffs. He was of the opinion, that it being my blog I had the right to do so. As it is my blog it certainly gives me the freedom to scratch the very minutest of things or just talk big. To swag or just make fuss.

Having thought of all the sensible and non-sensible stuffs I didn't feel like thinking anything more and just let my fingers run on the keyboard and there I made it inhere. May be then when my being doesn't exist, my words would exist; a crazy yet true of the thought swirled in. Whenever I make such says I am told to shut up as if am immortal. We have this habit of closing our eyes in sheer brightness and assume that the darkness hovers around. 

Having said this am still in dearth of a plot, a more of a sensible plot. A plot that glistens like the moon in the full-moon night. May be one awaits ahead.

Until then.

Metta !

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क्षण-२ !!

"कस्तो हुदो हो जब तिमीले आफुले नगरेको गल्तिको सजाय भोग्नु पर्ने हुन्छ । तिमिले केहि गरेको नि हुदैनौ, न केहि भन्नलाइ नै हुन्छ तिमि सङ कहिले पनि। तर जहिले कुसुरवार सरि तिमीलाई नै ठड्याइञ्छ," उनीले भनिन् आफु सँग नै।

आफु सँग बोल्ने  बानि नै भैसकेको  थियो उन्को अचेल।  तेही लवजमा अरुले जो बुझ्दैन थिए उन्ले भनेको कुरोहरु। अनि उनि नि कसैलाई बुझाउन नसक्ने भई कि थिइन अचेल । उनिलाई जहिले नया नया कुरो गरी रहन पर्ने । कति तेही कुरो भनि रहनु जस्तो लाग्न थालेको थियो उनिलाई । एकै ठाउमा बसी रहनु, एकै कुरो गरी रहनुले विकासक्रम बाधिएको जस्तो लाग्थ्यो उनिलाई।  

जहिले चरी सरि उड्न, नयाँ आकाश चाहार्न चाहन्थिन उनि । उडान कसैले रोकी देला? पन्ख कसैले काटी देला ?भन्ने डर चाही जहिले रहन्थ्यो फेरी उनिलाई । आफ्नो वरि-परिको परिवेश बारे के नै भन्न सकिन्थ्यो र उसै पनि?

कुन दिन कुनै बाजले फड्को हानि आउछ र अनन्त आकाशलाई नै सानो बनाइ दिन्छ भन्ने बडो डर छ उनिलाई ।  तेही डरले होला शायद, उनको आखा बडो बोल्न थालेको छ अचेल।  केहि डर नभनिए नि आखामा जो देखिन्छन। तर ति सादा डराएका आखा कुनै रुपमा नि राम्रो देखिदैन भनेर बुझाउन सक्ने क्षमता उनि आफु संग नि  रहेको छैन अचेल। सोच्दा-सोच्दै आखा पत्थर सरि सुन्न प्राय हुन जान्छन अनि थकित भएर सुत्छिन उनि।

इति !

पहिलो: क्षण !!
चित्र: डेविअण्ट आर्ट बाट !

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Coffee Chats

The second cup of coffee was getting colder on her table. Both the cups stood side by side. Dai had come the second time to remind her to drink the coffee.

"कफि चिसो भई सक्यो," (the coffee is cold) was his repeated remark.

"एक छिन दाइ म अहिले खान्छु," (Hold on, I will finish up in sometime) was her brief say.

She got back to her work again , her hands were moving briskly on the computer. As always there were piles of work to be accomplished. Time is never a constraint factor, a thought winded in her mind and as fast as the thought came that fast it flew away as well. She again got back to her work.

Dai came the third time to remind her of the coffee. A smile flew across her lips.

"हुन्छ दाइ खादैछु ल," (I am just having it brother) she said.

Dai seated on the nearby chair, this time making sure she doesn't forget her promise, while she was cautious enough to finish up her coffee. She finished the cold coffee in a sip; threw a smile at dai and got back to her work.

This was her daily routine. She had numerous reasons to not take care of herself. Sometime it would be work, the other time also it would be some more work. Dai went away with the cups and she was left aback thinking with works overhead.


She scrolled back to her daily routine. *Work* was synonymous to her bestest friend around now. Friends would call her up and they always had plenty of complains to start the chat with.

"Are you the only one working in this whole world? Everyone is busy. Everyone has got work, but you?" She would try to say something, but the words remained unheard. Family members had their say on her busy-ness. Everyone had complains-smaller or bigger complains existed.

Was she trying to hide herself under something??

Was she trying to over-do things?? 

Was there any way out??

Was she.....?? Plenty of questions surrounded her, "I have been a douchbag of questions,"she mumbled. Questions that were in need of answers desperately.

She jolted her head and called out, "दाइ मलाई एक कप कफि चाहियो" (Dai, I need a cup of coffee).

Dai was chuckling over her request, coz this was the first time she was asking  for a cup of coffee again. Dai smiled to her and started brewing the coffee. She got back to her work. 

Our coffee chats :-)!

Metta !

Image: Google Images !

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Flight !

"How does it feel to fly, flap the wings and move across the sky?". The sea-gull asked.

Metta !!

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Perks of thoughts

Craving for words or weakening yourself !
#Vulnerability

Metta !!

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