7 June 2022
Aarvik says: "Mamu, when you were my age- you were a kid." ☺! And the long explanation thereafter, how it happens about our age and then when he becomes our age he will be "big people like mamu and buwa."
Things he says.
When I wear a dress, he's like "You are not princess, why are you wearing this cloth?" "You are people." 😀! He has a story of his own.
Metta!
I finished reading the book on June 3, 2022 somewhere around midnight!
It just took longer for me to sit down and finish reading a book, and it happened to be that "The Love Hypothesis" happened to be the one book I finished after a long time. Everyone has a reason for reading a book. For me, I liked Richa's book review and went for this one and borrowed one from the library. The book reached our house via the Corvallis benton County library's home delivery support the second week of May. Well! Perks of being a Ph.D. student is that you hardly finish reading your book and are never able to finish those and you end up barely reading for pleasure. I remember Suman saying this- PhD is so intense I hardly read for pleasure. Well, I have stopped having any time for anything for long. Maybe time management is my weakness. I really need to work on this and be able to manage things, read and work. this is for some other time- that how I mess things up. For now about books.
Well, my fascination with getting the books from the library never ends, and thus this book came home too. One thing that drew me to the book was the life of a PhD student and the academic life in general. I finished the read yesterday (June 3, 2022) in a couple of sittings before my finals week because I just needed this liberation of my thoughts to gather and work for the week ahead! It made me realize I can finish books in 5-7/8 hours. It's been a while since I did that!
I could relate to so many instances. Like the one as follows (such important one to think abut when doing research). Need to be kept in mind always.
And at many points, I saw AJ as the professor giving suggestions to their students. Why they are the way they are.
Academia is heart-wrenching at many times. You feel like a fool when you don't know but there are some who are supportive as well as a critique. So, so be it. There are times when you don't know the things you don't know and you will slowly know and move ahead. You will keep fighting the way you do.
It's tough. But maybe it will keep getting easier. Will take time but maybe it will.
Metta!
Images: Shot by me from the book (Image 1, 2 & 3: Pg 89, 119 & 120 respectively)
Can you try to do the impossible and come back a week later and say that you really did the impossible.
Can you??
Metta!
Reading a sentence in mind in my tone and feeling bad about it. That's it. That's the write for today.
Metta!
Some days it feels very lonely, as if there is no one- no one there for you. It's so lonely. The path is lonely, the journey is lonely and there is just no one for you. No one at all. No friends, no family, no one, no where-- not even any closer. And all is there is that you are in a limbo trying to connect with different varieties of people who do not understand you and you do not make sense. You are like you're just alone. There's a group who thinks they are too young to be connected to you and there's some other who think you are too out of the way/ radical that your thoughts do not match. Some who do not understand you at all and it makes no no any sense talking to them. There are some who are very far, so so far that your faintest voice would never ever reach to them and you are just like alone. All alone always!
Metta!
When I look at history from this point, I find it weird-- why were people so thoughtless and would not make any sense at that point of time and then I think--oh well (this was thinking about the law against biracial marriages in California, the gay marriage everywhere, acceptance of trans-people and so so many others--)
At this moment I am reading Karl Polanyi's correspondence (typed letters) he made at different point of times and just making me feel like, those people who lived that moment it was such a great thing for them to do those things then, navigating their path--and also giving those theories and book like almost 80 years back that makes sense now too.
Makes me wonder- How can even make sense agelessly? How ? What power do one possess to do that?
Metta!
When I lose hope, will you hold me?
Hold me as if this is the only thing that exists and there's nothing above or beyond. And we exist while sondering in between- every once in a while.
#Life !
Metta!
The sun is shining at my face when I try seeking some hope. Life is pretty as be with some sunshines and some winter rains.
Metta!
13 January, 2021
Our kiddo Aarvik comes up and says "I don't like small kids." Well day to be noted.
Metta!
लाग्छ कहिले काहिँ पछारि दिम सारा बाधा र अड्चन
तर अह, लाग्छ यिनीहरु नै त छन् जसले कहिल्यै साथ् छोड्दैनन
अरु त सबै फगत नै हो नि जीवन।
एवमस्तु !!
You know that feeling when you are sad and scared, and you feel like you can't do it anymore, and you have already told yourself "you are not enough," and you make mistakes every time you do things, and you even do not make any sense writing in English, and you are just so rough.
Those are some days when you feel so low (I need the sad face smiley) that all you feel like is crying. Crying out loud. Listening to some crying songs and crying some more. Maybe I am missing home, and mom and Aama and Buwa, and Rash and Hey and Hittu and Suman and everything and everyone.
I have not slept throughout this night, and I don't feel even sleepy. Maybe I am overwhelmed with thoughts, Aarvik's birthday, festivals, missing home, loads of assignments, and not catching up with many things. I try to convince myself maybe graduate life is all filled with these highs and lows.
Metta!
America drains you, drains you to bits at times.
And then I realize as a woman, I have always lived a drained life even though I have been trying to be the strongest one. Strongest one--in telling what I want, what I need, and where my aspirations are. Still weak-- still being hesitant to say so many things and just shutting myself down. That's easy, I guess, rather than draining. But yet you drain!
Metta!
