Dandelions and Running Thoughts !

Trying to make writing a routine, yet not sure-how long? More motivations needed !!

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Felt like writing about parenthood, this is one of the topics I have wanted to write yet not been able to write. I don't know why, but something or the other things keeps coming as a hindrance. Most importantly me. I have been a slug in writing and reading. And I don't like this "me" who puts off everything.

Being a parent-a mother, has been a wonderful experience at many times and a door-lock for someone like me who dreams a lot at many other times. I cannot express this to be honest. I don't understand if I became mother because I so wanted to be a mother (like many people say, that they tried for motherhood so bad and how not being able to have conceived frustrated them) or it was part of the system and I wanted to overtake into this journey. I can't say it properly. Deep down I understand and tend to think I dread to accept that. Acceptance is so hard. A loving kid makes the journey just so wonderful that is for sure. And I cannot be less thankful for this any day. But maybe that I have taken so many burden on my shoulder that I am already tired. Tired! Mentally!! Physically!! And I really want to come out of this tiredness. I am trying hard but literally I don't know how to. And I am so demotivated that I don't even have the motivation of trying it. And this comes as so heavy at times, I can't move my hands writing it.

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I want to go back to my childhood where everything was so happy with no any shadow of any other kind of pains or uncertainties or anything. I wish I had nothing to think of and just things to merry! I want the bright white dandelions flying around the blue sky and I wish I were running towards them happily with no any heavy feelings.

Let peace come to life!

Metta!
Image: Dandelion

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Writing is therapeutic. Right?

So here starts the journey of writing, writing again. A and I have agreed to write. Write something each day? Maybe for at least an hour or lesser, but we will write. For how long don't know yet, but I feel we will write something. Writing in itself gives me life, makes me liberated, and makes me feel good. The other day my counselor was asking me, what do you do for self care? I said I listen to music, dance, move around...I forgot to say I write, why? Because I am not writing as much as I would otherwise. Writing mostly is therapeutic for me. It acts as a soothing balance. But still I have been skipping writing. Ask me why? and I won't be able to tell. If we keep writing something each day, maybe I would be able to tell some more. After I would finish this maybe I would be able to tell some more too. But yeah! one thing for sure is writing is such a wonderful feeling. Makes the heart go glee. It's a 1 hour for us to write and the fondfulness has already grown, hands don't stop and I am keeping typing. I can hear A typing too (he should be feeling good too? Maybe? Maybe not? We will know in a while :-))!

I like using a picture when I write something. A picture adds some feel in the write, it's a pretty distraction too I agree. Because when I started searching for a picture for this blog, I used up some moments of my writing- though I found a beautiful picture :-)! A girl sitting in the jungle, by the side of the river and writing. How good is the feeling? How so good? I can't tell. Such a pure feeling. Even the thought makes me so happy. Nature is such a good feeling. These are the things of self care right?

Writing is therapeutic...right? :-)

I found a good quote by Oscar Wilde on self-care "to love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance." So rightly said. So nicely said. Many times when we care for whole the world (which we think we do) we forget loving ourselves some more each day. And we need loving ourselves the most each day. Maybe someone telling us they love us, care for us-will make us feel good and loved (it mostly does). Why is there then a dearth of love for ourselves? Why we fear loving ourselves some more? And doing all the good we can do to ourselves?  Why do we step a bit back when it comes to us? Why self-care, self-love is hard even though we never get tired of telling, hey you-I love you. Why can't we take the same approach for ourselves and tell ourselves," hey me! I love you. I love you so much that my life would be nothing without you." This would have given such a nice feeling and helped us grow some more too right?

Dear me,

Please love yourself a bit more. Some more from today.

Yours,
Me

Metta!!
Image: Theodora Goss

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Days !!

Classes are running in this "global pandemic" and I am a #GraduateMom... Oh ! Hel(p)lo!

I seek peace!

Metta!!

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Everything is surreal!

Some days I suddenly realize that when things were not happening good to me, one after the other kept creating havoc in my life. And I was so lonely then. And those people were cruel. I want none of that and them back in my life.

Metta !

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Chapters of life!

Have you closed chapters in life?

(I smiled as I am writing this). Here to one more closings. Closing the past that at times when comes near me keeps me thinking back and makes me wonder. Oh well! maybe all the chapters of life are not very friendly and not to be keep opening back. To one more of those!

Metta!

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For peace

She asked me why did I think the way I do.

I was dumbfounded. Seriously!!

Metta !!

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Peace for this year !

Things were not that easy, and things aren't easy either. I see darkness at times and it's tough to move over. I hope January just gives happiness and the dark clouds flee by.

Metta!

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Heart post !

I realize the want of talking more lately. Feels like so much of quietness has engulfed me that at times all I want to do is to talk. Talk about various things, books, plants, paintings, pictures, travels, something new ongoing around, values of life, worldview one makes and so many more things. And I feel there's a dearth in talking always, if it were not for Suman, my life would have missed all the meaningful conversations. I can't make people understand my state of thought, my mentality at the moment and anything. Or if I speak it would be mostly me talking, making it more like a one way conversation. Or it would be listening to others, without them realizing what's my point of say. Or there would be people with whom I would like to talk, but we seldom have time for each other. It just doesn't make much sense to anyone.

If only Suman were not there, my life would be so incomplete. So so incomplete. I feel grateful for this life as long as the friendship years :-) having not known her only for the early toddlerhood days. Thank you for being there in everything- for this life. I love you.

Metta !

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Moments of grief !

That moment when you even have no one to cry with and you are helpless like anything. I know that times will be better but it has already taken a lot of time. Please help endure dear heart!

This playlist now https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fd2e-mmeU_w !

Metta !!

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Conversations with thyself !

Some days it makes me believe my says are useless and of no use. However, I cannot make not saying says. Many times it's like talking to myself but yet I do. Many days I endure and some days I just cannot overcome it.

Thankfully I can pour words in the blank walls and fill the voids around.

Metta!

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Learning a different way !

I heard him complaining. Complaining about our thoughts-questioning our thoughts? Why/how can you be so? think so?

How could we complain about something he revered? He worshipped all throughout. Maybe our question hit hard on him at that point. Maybe it was a kick on something he worshipped. He couldn't handle it because someone was stepping on that. On my part, I was saying-my feelings. Just my feelings and trying to learn my way. Maybe an irrevalent comment it could have been. But it was my thought. I am learning via my thoughts, my perspectives and shaping it via your teachings.

Maybe our beliefs are very delicate. Delicate enough to be blown off even by a questioning other.

Life, learn in this path!

Metta !!

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Tranquility

NO you cannot feel bad. You are already a mother. Sink in "Mom" Sink in :-)

Metta !

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Excuses and life !

Sometimes it feels like I have been a bag of excuses. Excuses are what I make, but then I don't seem to have a way out. That's the only thing I have because those are realities in my life. They are happening as a series of mishaps and I am captured in those. Though I try to get out of them, try to run things better. I am captured. Captured somewhere in between. Hopefully, this too shall pass. Just that this passing time has been long and I am in trouble at this moment.

Metta!

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To you, my friend !

I couldn't have get along easier, had I not had my comfort zone around and some good people. Chantal, I will remember you for ages. For ages, you will be that friend who was beside me when I needed someone the most. Words indeed cannot define the feels at times I felt. You are beyond words.

Thank you for being there. I cannot thank you enough!

Loves,
Kay!

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