Is it just me who doesn't seem lovable? Or doesn't deserve the love I should? Or made mistakes, never revocable!
Saturday, September 17, 2022
Monday, August 22, 2022
Aarvik in August!
Last week, Aarvik (maybe August 19) and I were walking to his daycare when we saw a kid on the way with their parent and Aarvik said “she works at my office.” Made me laugh- he literally takes his “office” seriously 😊!
Metta!
Wednesday, June 08, 2022
Doing the uncomfortable conversations? Would it help?
Would teaching people on Sexism, homophobia and trans-phobia help them have a different attitude towards what they think? Would it help?
This is a grave question and one that keeps on coming in my mind. Would having deep conversations around these help? I feel that it should? and many times making conversation is so hard. But at least we can try? Right? We SHOULD TRY, everyday some more.
Because people do not think that ways (why do they not?)? they are not at all brained that ways (why are they not?)? and neither have they seen things in those angles (why do they not?) and they do not want to listen to any of these (why not?)? And they are just scared even to think about it that they might be the "out-caste" even if they think in some ways? maybe?? Does the fearful environment we grew up in makes us so reluctant to speak to wrongs? (be it be wrong of any kind?) That when we're kids we were never taught to be "upstanders" and we never learnt to "upstand" for someone? some causes? And then we never knew "upstanding" was possible- for ourselves and for others? Would it be the thing as well for some? Not for many others? Why is it so hard to think some "normal" humanitarian values? Why have we made our lives so complicated (uselessly)?
But still I feel doing the uncomfortable conversation should help. If the other person who you speak to listens to you? Tries to listen at all?
Open hearts and Open minds- if they exist, maybe that helps? Maybe!! Maybe it will!
And then I think; "के सरु भक्त ले भने झैँ एउटा "पागल बस्ति" बसाउन सकिन्छ त ?" जहाँ यी सबै कुरा गर्न सकियोस्। भन्न सकियोस् "यस्तो हो नि कुरो।" "ल कुरा गरम।" र यहिँ हो सत्य। There's nothing beyond. Nothing above.
कहिले काहिँ त लाग्छ काश कतै यो "पागल बस्ति" बसाउन सकियोस् अनि बनम अलिकति अरु बढी पागल मानवताकालागि।
काश।
The thing that is needed the most is still a far-cry, a faraway dream? It shouldn't be. It should not be.
Metta!!
Tuesday, June 07, 2022
Aarvik says about age and other things!
7 June 2022
Aarvik says: "Mamu, when you were my age- you were a kid." ☺! And the long explanation thereafter, how it happens about our age and then when he becomes our age he will be "big people like mamu and buwa."
Things he says.
When I wear a dress, he's like "You are not princess, why are you wearing this cloth?" "You are people." 😀! He has a story of his own.
Metta!
Saturday, June 04, 2022
I read the book "The Love Hypothesis"
I finished reading the book on June 3, 2022 somewhere around midnight!
Image: From GoodReads page
It just took longer for me to sit down and finish reading a book, and it happened to be that "The Love Hypothesis" happened to be the one book I finished after a long time. Everyone has a reason for reading a book. For me, I liked Richa's book review and went for this one and borrowed one from the library. The book reached our house via the Corvallis benton County library's home delivery support the second week of May. Well! Perks of being a Ph.D. student is that you hardly finish reading your book and are never able to finish those and you end up barely reading for pleasure. I remember Suman saying this- PhD is so intense I hardly read for pleasure. Well, I have stopped having any time for anything for long. Maybe time management is my weakness. I really need to work on this and be able to manage things, read and work. this is for some other time- that how I mess things up. For now about books.
Well, my fascination with getting the books from the library never ends, and thus this book came home too. One thing that drew me to the book was the life of a PhD student and the academic life in general. I finished the read yesterday (June 3, 2022) in a couple of sittings before my finals week because I just needed this liberation of my thoughts to gather and work for the week ahead! It made me realize I can finish books in 5-7/8 hours. It's been a while since I did that!
I could relate to so many instances. Like the one as follows (such important one to think abut when doing research). Need to be kept in mind always.
And at many points, I saw AJ as the professor giving suggestions to their students. Why they are the way they are.
Academia is heart-wrenching at many times. You feel like a fool when you don't know but there are some who are supportive as well as a critique. So, so be it. There are times when you don't know the things you don't know and you will slowly know and move ahead. You will keep fighting the way you do.
It's tough. But maybe it will keep getting easier. Will take time but maybe it will.
Metta!
Images: Shot by me from the book (Image 1, 2 & 3: Pg 89, 119 & 120 respectively)
Thursday, June 02, 2022
Can you?
Can you try to do the impossible and come back a week later and say that you really did the impossible.
Can you??
Metta!
Monday, May 02, 2022
Today: May 2, 2022
Reading a sentence in mind in my tone and feeling bad about it. That's it. That's the write for today.
Metta!
Thursday, April 07, 2022
I miss you!
Some days it feels very lonely, as if there is no one- no one there for you. It's so lonely. The path is lonely, the journey is lonely and there is just no one for you. No one at all. No friends, no family, no one, no where-- not even any closer. And all is there is that you are in a limbo trying to connect with different varieties of people who do not understand you and you do not make sense. You are like you're just alone. There's a group who thinks they are too young to be connected to you and there's some other who think you are too out of the way/ radical that your thoughts do not match. Some who do not understand you at all and it makes no no any sense talking to them. There are some who are very far, so so far that your faintest voice would never ever reach to them and you are just like alone. All alone always!
Metta!
Wednesday, March 16, 2022
Thoughts on Karl Polanyi (shallow ones)!
When I look at history from this point, I find it weird-- why were people so thoughtless and would not make any sense at that point of time and then I think--oh well (this was thinking about the law against biracial marriages in California, the gay marriage everywhere, acceptance of trans-people and so so many others--)
At this moment I am reading Karl Polanyi's correspondence (typed letters) he made at different point of times and just making me feel like, those people who lived that moment it was such a great thing for them to do those things then, navigating their path--and also giving those theories and book like almost 80 years back that makes sense now too.
Makes me wonder- How can even make sense agelessly? How ? What power do one possess to do that?
Metta!
Tuesday, March 15, 2022
Life and it's stories
When I lose hope, will you hold me?
Hold me as if this is the only thing that exists and there's nothing above or beyond. And we exist while sondering in between- every once in a while.
#Life !
Metta!
Sunday, March 06, 2022
Today!
The sun is shining at my face when I try seeking some hope. Life is pretty as be with some sunshines and some winter rains.
Metta!
Thursday, January 13, 2022
Aarvik says!
13 January, 2021
Our kiddo Aarvik comes up and says "I don't like small kids." Well day to be noted.
Metta!
Thursday, December 02, 2021
सोच- क्षण निमेष भरीलाई !
लाग्छ कहिले काहिँ पछारि दिम सारा बाधा र अड्चन
तर अह, लाग्छ यिनीहरु नै त छन् जसले कहिल्यै साथ् छोड्दैनन
अरु त सबै फगत नै हो नि जीवन।
एवमस्तु !!
Thursday, November 04, 2021
That feeling called sadness!
You know that feeling when you are sad and scared, and you feel like you can't do it anymore, and you have already told yourself "you are not enough," and you make mistakes every time you do things, and you even do not make any sense writing in English, and you are just so rough.
Those are some days when you feel so low (I need the sad face smiley) that all you feel like is crying. Crying out loud. Listening to some crying songs and crying some more. Maybe I am missing home, and mom and Aama and Buwa, and Rash and Hey and Hittu and Suman and everything and everyone.
I have not slept throughout this night, and I don't feel even sleepy. Maybe I am overwhelmed with thoughts, Aarvik's birthday, festivals, missing home, loads of assignments, and not catching up with many things. I try to convince myself maybe graduate life is all filled with these highs and lows.
Metta!