Today !

 Not very new says. Not much fancy stories. Just some tiredness and a mind full of thoughts.

Metta!

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Of (lack of) motivations and healthy life (to be continued)!

I (mostly) think I should adapt to healthy body options for a healthy lifestyle or vice versa. (Do I need to make sense here? Or be politically correct? Or anything? Maybe!! Maybe not!! Bleh!!) But somewhere the enthusiasm looses and I am left with body aches and I can’t even walk properly. Just wondering is it because I have gained a lot of weight (I was 78 kg a month back, I should have gained more as I have no control over eating + FYI I have not shed any weight post pregnancy. Or maybe I haven’t ATTEMPTED enough to loose any WEIGHT!) or is an indication of a very unhealthy lifestyle. Am I not knowing even though “I feel” I know, or is something missing in between? I have to figure out. And I hope I ACT while figuring OUT.

Noting these thoughts down so that I am more accountable. Or I wish I be more accountable. For its always known “A healthy life is a must.” Yet so less done 😓!

#MotivationMantra @2:04 AM Pacific time!

Metta!

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13 days!

Aama’s 13th day and maybe I am just too full of emotions. It’s been hard to juggle with thoughts. Maybe I should have let the thoughts rest. They needed a break! A long long break. And it would have helped me to not make any view or any say or anything !! Just been a lot to handle!!

Metta!!

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Meditations of life!

This week was mostly about knowing my meditations. It was amazing to realise things as meditations.

Working in laboratory 

Recently I started working in the Seed lab. The first day I cut the seeds as such that it’s cut just above the embryo, so that it gives results via tetrazolium test. A decade back, working in lab was a course requirement or a chore that had to be done.  Some days fun place to be with friends. Some days frustrating to handle in exams. This time I felt it was meditative. That concentration just to do things the right way. The lab environment: rustling of glasses, people whispering, talks about tests/results and focus. All focus on your work. What a meditative way of doing things !!

Cooking

The time and dedication and working on details from chopping to cooking. How I long for perfectionism while cooking! And how I tell A that this thing has to be like this or that, using mustard oil or vegetable oil or butter, not using “methi” instead of “jeera” and vice versa, chop a certain way, fry till certain time, and thus finish cooking like साधना । Such a processed meditative practice that gives eternal joy.

Gardening 

I have loved gardening since my childhood where I would like to play with mud, drench it with water and play around with plants. It has given me a joyful childhood and I have loved having plants since throughout. So here in Corvallis when we started gardening again and now as we harvest the bearing fruits and flowers, I look back at the journey And how meditative it had been.

Reading/Writing

Needles to say about these two branches which is as therapeutic and as meditative as it could be. I think my marathon writing is just being a part of it today. So pleasurable that not even I feel like sleeping at 6 AM this morning.

With age maybe I have been better at creating jargon :-) or I have just known to express what I feel. More to know! More to feel. More to say!

Until then!!

Metta!

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"She" my friend- (My everything)!!

Isn't it weird that some days I fear what if something happens to me and I would not have expressed (adequately) what you mean to me? I would not have expressed my feelings enough. And puff I go!!

I fear dear. I fear bad! 

Know that, I have always loved you the most. I have always tried the best whatever I can do in all possible ways. Just that I have not known enough of doing things. That I didn't know how things work. I didn't know how I could make it work. They never listened to me. And things were never in my hands. And I regret it every time. I know that have caused you pain. And the easiest of thing just got harder for you, because I couldn't do anything and they didn't listen to me. They didn't even listen to me when I pleaded them for a scholarship, and they didn't write it for me. They never did. And I was devoid of those opportunities. They never listened to me. (I wonder how I survived that)! They always created jargon to complicate things for me. They devoid me of so many things and I could just sulk. They didn't even let me allow my friend's ease. And I sulked more. And all I can feel is pain. Write in pain, shed a few drops and bid a bye to this page of life not to turn it over again.

Just that, I am/will be there for you. Always and forever. I just wish I could open my heart or cry this out at my loudest. I wish I could have said it the loudest then. I wish I wouldn't have let the pain enter in you because of me. I wish!

You are a precious jewel of my life. A sacred one. I wish all the happiness for you my friend. Always and forever!

Love!

Metta!!

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Incomplete verses !

Day 6 ends. Day 7 starts

Its 00:53 AM

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Like always there’s swarm of thoughts inside. I actually don’t know if I want to express it or not. But right now am forcing myself too. Maybe it will just liberate me is what I feel. 

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I want to let everyone know about Aama. Both Aama and Buwa have been so imbibed in my surrounding being that I have not seen them as separate someone and maybe I have not talked enough about them or maybe that habit of mine of not talking about my personal life much apart from my core circle has inhibited the talks.

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Thoughts are running in bits and pieces around me. I miss Aama. I am sleepless. I am finding peace in podcasts (mostly religious) and bhajans. During my pregnancy I used to be sleepless and the Sadhguru podcasts were my sleep helper. I listened to sadhguru a good good deal and I seem to be done with Sadhguru for some more years from then I guess. Right now “Achutyam Keshavam Krishna Damodaram” is my favorite bhajan for a few days. I like the lines and the music.

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I love you Aama. And I miss you. In every bhajan I listen to I hear your dedication of trying learning new verses or chanting with all that music. Your zeal for everything and your being as a whole. We have been blessed to have you in our lives. 

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There’s so much more about you. An incomplete verse, I close herein.

(It’s 1: 18 AM)

Metta!

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Aama (Where are you?)

Like Aarvik asks “Where are you?” And we repeat, “here I am, here I am. How do you do?” I wish Aama said the same and just came therein. But even after having called her for the umpteenth time, she didn’t respond. Not even on the fourth day.

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There’s a vacuum inside me. My mind seems numb. I am sleepless. It’s already 6 AM and my eyes are wide open. In days when my status is vacuum, my mind rambles. For today, it is just numb. I have been trying hard distracting my mind, but nothing seems helping. Nothing at all. Suddenly I feel like crying or suddenly I feel exhausted as it gets unbearable. I can’t express this exhaustion. It comes through so many emotions. 

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I sang the adieu song to her that night. And I could do nothing new. I love you Aama. And I have loved you always. And I had felt we will meet again. Alas! We couldn’t. 

Until we meet again.

Metta!!

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Of the worldly affairs!

Everyone around me is kind of hypocrite and I detest this feeling that I can't even express that "hey! you are the number one hypocrite and are the one romanticizing your hypocrisy." Duh!! I detest this feeling. I do yet I just jot them down, frown over it, sulk and get going. Maybe this is how life goes.

Metta!

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That feeling called numbness!

Nothing more than numb I feel at the moment.

Peace I want.

Metta!

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The approached time!

The fears exist for a long time before they approach. And when they approach, *puff* the emotions evade themselves. They know how to be stronger each time. And they have grown stronger with time. They are resilient as a part of me. Some days I wonder who got better with time-THEM or ME or US !

Metta!

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The fear of unknown!

How often do you fear? Fear even to ask!

Metta!!

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Dandelions and Running Thoughts !

Trying to make writing a routine, yet not sure-how long? More motivations needed !!

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Felt like writing about parenthood, this is one of the topics I have wanted to write yet not been able to write. I don't know why, but something or the other things keeps coming as a hindrance. Most importantly me. I have been a slug in writing and reading. And I don't like this "me" who puts off everything.

Being a parent-a mother, has been a wonderful experience at many times and a door-lock for someone like me who dreams a lot at many other times. I cannot express this to be honest. I don't understand if I became mother because I so wanted to be a mother (like many people say, that they tried for motherhood so bad and how not being able to have conceived frustrated them) or it was part of the system and I wanted to overtake into this journey. I can't say it properly. Deep down I understand and tend to think I dread to accept that. Acceptance is so hard. A loving kid makes the journey just so wonderful that is for sure. And I cannot be less thankful for this any day. But maybe that I have taken so many burden on my shoulder that I am already tired. Tired! Mentally!! Physically!! And I really want to come out of this tiredness. I am trying hard but literally I don't know how to. And I am so demotivated that I don't even have the motivation of trying it. And this comes as so heavy at times, I can't move my hands writing it.

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I want to go back to my childhood where everything was so happy with no any shadow of any other kind of pains or uncertainties or anything. I wish I had nothing to think of and just things to merry! I want the bright white dandelions flying around the blue sky and I wish I were running towards them happily with no any heavy feelings.

Let peace come to life!

Metta!
Image: Dandelion

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Writing is therapeutic. Right?

So here starts the journey of writing, writing again. A and I have agreed to write. Write something each day? Maybe for at least an hour or lesser, but we will write. For how long don't know yet, but I feel we will write something. Writing in itself gives me life, makes me liberated, and makes me feel good. The other day my counselor was asking me, what do you do for self care? I said I listen to music, dance, move around...I forgot to say I write, why? Because I am not writing as much as I would otherwise. Writing mostly is therapeutic for me. It acts as a soothing balance. But still I have been skipping writing. Ask me why? and I won't be able to tell. If we keep writing something each day, maybe I would be able to tell some more. After I would finish this maybe I would be able to tell some more too. But yeah! one thing for sure is writing is such a wonderful feeling. Makes the heart go glee. It's a 1 hour for us to write and the fondfulness has already grown, hands don't stop and I am keeping typing. I can hear A typing too (he should be feeling good too? Maybe? Maybe not? We will know in a while :-))!

I like using a picture when I write something. A picture adds some feel in the write, it's a pretty distraction too I agree. Because when I started searching for a picture for this blog, I used up some moments of my writing- though I found a beautiful picture :-)! A girl sitting in the jungle, by the side of the river and writing. How good is the feeling? How so good? I can't tell. Such a pure feeling. Even the thought makes me so happy. Nature is such a good feeling. These are the things of self care right?

Writing is therapeutic...right? :-)

I found a good quote by Oscar Wilde on self-care "to love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance." So rightly said. So nicely said. Many times when we care for whole the world (which we think we do) we forget loving ourselves some more each day. And we need loving ourselves the most each day. Maybe someone telling us they love us, care for us-will make us feel good and loved (it mostly does). Why is there then a dearth of love for ourselves? Why we fear loving ourselves some more? And doing all the good we can do to ourselves?  Why do we step a bit back when it comes to us? Why self-care, self-love is hard even though we never get tired of telling, hey you-I love you. Why can't we take the same approach for ourselves and tell ourselves," hey me! I love you. I love you so much that my life would be nothing without you." This would have given such a nice feeling and helped us grow some more too right?

Dear me,

Please love yourself a bit more. Some more from today.

Yours,
Me

Metta!!
Image: Theodora Goss

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Days !!

Classes are running in this "global pandemic" and I am a #GraduateMom... Oh ! Hel(p)lo!

I seek peace!

Metta!!

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