13 days!

Aama’s 13th day and maybe I am just too full of emotions. It’s been hard to juggle with thoughts. Maybe I should have let the thoughts rest. They needed a break! A long long break. And it would have helped me to not make any view or any say or anything !! Just been a lot to handle!!

Metta!!

Meditations of life!

This week was mostly about knowing my meditations. It was amazing to realise things as meditations.

Working in laboratory 

Recently I started working in the Seed lab. The first day I cut the seeds as such that it’s cut just above the embryo, so that it gives results via tetrazolium test. A decade back, working in lab was a course requirement or a chore that had to be done.  Some days fun place to be with friends. Some days frustrating to handle in exams. This time I felt it was meditative. That concentration just to do things the right way. The lab environment: rustling of glasses, people whispering, talks about tests/results and focus. All focus on your work. What a meditative way of doing things !!

Cooking

The time and dedication and working on details from chopping to cooking. How I long for perfectionism while cooking! And how I tell A that this thing has to be like this or that, using mustard oil or vegetable oil or butter, not using “methi” instead of “jeera” and vice versa, chop a certain way, fry till certain time, and thus finish cooking like साधना । Such a processed meditative practice that gives eternal joy.

Gardening 

I have loved gardening since my childhood where I would like to play with mud, drench it with water and play around with plants. It has given me a joyful childhood and I have loved having plants since throughout. So here in Corvallis when we started gardening again and now as we harvest the bearing fruits and flowers, I look back at the journey And how meditative it had been.

Reading/Writing

Needles to say about these two branches which is as therapeutic and as meditative as it could be. I think my marathon writing is just being a part of it today. So pleasurable that not even I feel like sleeping at 6 AM this morning.

With age maybe I have been better at creating jargon :-) or I have just known to express what I feel. More to know! More to feel. More to say!

Until then!!

Metta!

"She" my friend- (My everything)!!

Isn't it weird that some days I fear what if something happens to me and I would not have expressed (adequately) what you mean to me? I would not have expressed my feelings enough. And puff I go!!

I fear dear. I fear bad! 

Know that, I have always loved you the most. I have always tried the best whatever I can do in all possible ways. Just that I have not known enough of doing things. That I didn't know how things work. I didn't know how I could make it work. They never listened to me. And things were never in my hands. And I regret it every time. I know that have caused you pain. And the easiest of thing just got harder for you, because I couldn't do anything and they didn't listen to me. They didn't even listen to me when I pleaded them for a scholarship, and they didn't write it for me. They never did. And I was devoid of those opportunities. They never listened to me. (I wonder how I survived that)! They always created jargon to complicate things for me. They devoid me of so many things and I could just sulk. They didn't even let me allow my friend's ease. And I sulked more. And all I can feel is pain. Write in pain, shed a few drops and bid a bye to this page of life not to turn it over again.

Just that, I am/will be there for you. Always and forever. I just wish I could open my heart or cry this out at my loudest. I wish I could have said it the loudest then. I wish I wouldn't have let the pain enter in you because of me. I wish!

You are a precious jewel of my life. A sacred one. I wish all the happiness for you my friend. Always and forever!

Love!

Metta!!

Incomplete verses !

Day 6 ends. Day 7 starts

Its 00:53 AM

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Like always there’s swarm of thoughts inside. I actually don’t know if I want to express it or not. But right now am forcing myself too. Maybe it will just liberate me is what I feel. 

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I want to let everyone know about Aama. Both Aama and Buwa have been so imbibed in my surrounding being that I have not seen them as separate someone and maybe I have not talked enough about them or maybe that habit of mine of not talking about my personal life much apart from my core circle has inhibited the talks.

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Thoughts are running in bits and pieces around me. I miss Aama. I am sleepless. I am finding peace in podcasts (mostly religious) and bhajans. During my pregnancy I used to be sleepless and the Sadhguru podcasts were my sleep helper. I listened to sadhguru a good good deal and I seem to be done with Sadhguru for some more years from then I guess. Right now “Achutyam Keshavam Krishna Damodaram” is my favorite bhajan for a few days. I like the lines and the music.

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I love you Aama. And I miss you. In every bhajan I listen to I hear your dedication of trying learning new verses or chanting with all that music. Your zeal for everything and your being as a whole. We have been blessed to have you in our lives. 

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There’s so much more about you. An incomplete verse, I close herein.

(It’s 1: 18 AM)

Metta!

Aama (Where are you?)

Like Aarvik asks “Where are you?” And we repeat, “here I am, here I am. How do you do?” I wish Aama said the same and just came therein. But even after having called her for the umpteenth time, she didn’t respond. Not even on the fourth day.

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There’s a vacuum inside me. My mind seems numb. I am sleepless. It’s already 6 AM and my eyes are wide open. In days when my status is vacuum, my mind rambles. For today, it is just numb. I have been trying hard distracting my mind, but nothing seems helping. Nothing at all. Suddenly I feel like crying or suddenly I feel exhausted as it gets unbearable. I can’t express this exhaustion. It comes through so many emotions. 

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I sang the adieu song to her that night. And I could do nothing new. I love you Aama. And I have loved you always. And I had felt we will meet again. Alas! We couldn’t. 

Until we meet again.

Metta!!

Of the worldly affairs!

Everyone around me is kind of hypocrite and I detest this feeling that I can't even express that "hey! you are the number one hypocrite and are the one romanticizing your hypocrisy." Duh!! I detest this feeling. I do yet I just jot them down, frown over it, sulk and get going. Maybe this is how life goes.

Metta!